Celine is on my mind daily during my morning commute.
My fingers aren't quite swelling yet, none of me is, really, but the stacking rings I wear get a little tighter each day. 29 weeks pregnant will do that to a gal.
Lately, I wonder if I should have named her Ciel the french word for sky instead of a beloved Parisian grandmother. Did I make a grave error in using the name on a dead child? Could I change her name.... would it matter, since she has no grave regardless? Viking - who actively chooses to avoid thinking of her as often as possible - once called her by her name. It was literally once, and I could feel his tongue tripping over the soft C and the vowels.
Dans le ciel is where she resides, on those days I choose to believe in a non-earthly plain.
Other days I wonder if theory of the spirit baby is true. Is Nutmeg the ultimate manifestation of all of the babies who came before her? I often describe the compulsion to bring her into my home as the need to bring this missing person to our family. The one and only psychic I ever spoke to about the topic seemed to believe strongly in this.
Niblet has many ideas for her sister's name, and will be part of her naming (on a pre-approved list though, y'all, since I otherwise run the risk of Nutmeg's name sounding like some sort of mermaid/pony/stripper as an 8 year old is apt to create. You think I jest).
But taking Celine out of the mix, it feels a little awkward. And then thinking that thought makes me feel terrible, as if I've given short shrift to my little girl who never made it.
Grief immersion can be a pool with bottomless depths.
My beloved was named after a series of celestial bodies. His middle name was/is Messier... Most stationary objects in the sky have an m# to classify them. Somehow searching the astronomy catalogs of horse head nebulae for me and my kids would find peace thinking of him during telescope and sky watching.
ReplyDeleteBut my first name choice (as his fetal name of Iceberg could only go so far in our grief)... Was selected because I thought it was incredibly cool but thought its spelling could make his law office or doctors office more difficult to pronounce... Similarly I like Ptolemy but more than a few might stumble on its pronunciation. But as time has marched on its my Big Bunny who has fallen for it. In fact when I was last pregnant, he asked if it would be morbid to use it on a living child. My views on this gave waxed and wanned. But in your heart you seem torn. Would a middle name of Celine be a infrequent but living testimony to her? I have tried to mull this one over too. We had a name picked out so for us naming him something pseodo officially made the other name no longer associated with him. But maybe Nutmeg and Celine share a middle name? Processing this is heart wrenching but a lifetime of regret would be a shame too. Maybe instead of a true vote on the name she can rate each name from 0-10 meaning you guys still get voting power but her votes would count? DH and I have do e this to compromise and often each of our favorites were the others zero score leaving agreed upon middle ground.
I did cat rescue for years. And I cannot tell you how many time I have said: I will not call a cat a stripper name even for paperwork! Crystal Fluffy Pillows will attract the wrong adoptors!
All really helpful thoughts. In our case, Niblet and her sister will actually share a middle name, derived from my maiden name. Celine would share it as well.
ReplyDeleteI used to crack up because my best friend's cat was Fantasia, named by her boyfriend. I was completely convinced it was a stripper name, not the Disney movie.