Monday, October 11, 2021

desperation

Last week I had a colonoscopy and aside from the fasting and prepping of my colon, it was the most relaxation I've had in months. A bag of fluids and then sedation? Sign me up for more, please.

This month shit is heavy. October. Celine. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Debt.

That last one is hitting me hard. I no longer have the expense of a nanny, we are in a much more affordable stage of nursery school. But:

I am now trying to pull myself out of a double-digit hole of credit card debt (employing a nanny with benefits and paying for everything else by credit card has caught up to me). It's slow-going, if my car breaks down again I'm completely fucked. 

Just breathe. We will be ok.

What feels unsustainable on the other hand, is the new sleep method I've had to employ on S these past few months. Singing to her until she goes down, lying on the floor waiting to hear her heavy breathing... it's a long night.  Niblet really was one of those babies that we perfected the "leave the room and shut the door when they're drowsy but not completely asleep" advice of sleep trainers.  

I'm so fucking tired. I'm so unhinged by the precipitous drop in estrogen surging through my body. I get irrationally angry and cry with little provocation.

Mothering a tween and a toddler while perimenopausal is not for the faint of heart.

Friday, October 1, 2021

Mothering In the Menopause

One day I’m gonna emerge from the pit I’m in to tell the tale of mothering a toddler and pubescent tween while in the midst of perimenopausal depressive episodes. 

Today is not that day. I’m on five hours of sleep, just wept for 45 minutes and have to erase my Google searches because I know my kid will find them and freak the fuck out, as one might when the encounter the word suicide. 

(I am not suicidal. I have had fleeting thoughts of imploding off the earth which my Google search validated as pretty normal in my current hormonal state)  

Golly, do I miss Princess. She would have totally understood.

All of this is to say that I need to take a melatonin and melt into sleep. 


Thursday, September 2, 2021

Buoy

I took a summer hiatus from writing because after we lost Princess, I wasn't sure I had anything left i me to say.

And here I am. Staring at the Handmaids Tale in Texas that's headed to roughly 15 other states in the next year. My close friends in New Orleans have fled for Marietta GA with their 11 year old because who knows when they'll have power restored. Philly and Hoboken are underwater. Niblet is back at school, masked and vaxxed and waiting to be quarantined anyway because it's inevitable.

We are saying good bye to our Nanny today - she's moving on to a new family, Samantha will move on to full day nursery school. C will always be in our lives, but it will surely be a massive upheaval for Samantha. With this, my childcare expenses will be cut by roughly 3/4, I will eventually pull myself out of the massive credit sinkhole I am in. I am not one of the millions of USians about to be evicted. Our 107 year old house is still standing. We live on a hill overseeing the tributary that will surely wash away the cars below one day.

Some of my closest family members have been propagandized to believe that masks are signs of an impending crush of freedoms and that critical race theory is teaching my white daughter in a predominately black public school to hate herself. If I don't numb myself to what we are facing I can't function. 

It is with this last sentence that I pour out the following: the ONLY thing tethering me to sanity, to the ability to get up every day, are my daughters. They are the buoy that is saving me from downing in my rage and tears. I hate the burden that I am placing on them, they don't deserve it. No child does. But here we are.



Friday, June 4, 2021

A boost and a conflict

 Today I had a little boost.

I shared the medium essay with Princess' former owner - a dear friend who also happens to be a prolific - and highly published - non-fiction writer.

She asked that I remove the essay from medium and try to get it published in the NYT Modern Love section.

It's hard. Mr. Viking is not in favor of my going any more public with "our personal medical issues." For what it's worth, I am confident that my parents would feel the same way. I posted the Medium link on my somewhat more anonymous twitter page, but not on facebook, where ironically, I know it would reach more readers (for demographic reasons, and because my twitter account is pretty limited to union and labor related things, with a little bit of Baltimore community stuff thrown in).

Writing about your miscarriages is hard, and writing about your miscarriages in a way that doesn't pull your family into your story can be even harder.

One of the reasons I'm always hesitant to discuss Samantha being a donor egg baby is that her origin story is hers to tell. Personally, I am at a place of comfort with her origin story, I would shout it to the hilltops if I could.  'Samantha is biologically mine, but genetically not mine! And she is the most tremendous gift we have ever been given!" 

My TFMR is still entwined in my grief. Not sure I could go there amongst strangers. I am hugely vocal (and generous) with my support of the reproductive rights movement. Going public about Celine? I'm not there yet.

But the miscarriages, these are in many ways the easiest to disentangle from my fertility story. I want to write about them so badly. I want to make women feel less alone. SO. BADLY. I want to validate the grief of women who are hiding in their showers. I want to be a voice for family leave policies where woman can use sick leave and bereavement leave if they're fortunate enough to even have it in the US. I want to take my activism and expand it. 

I need to get my husband on my page.

Friday, May 21, 2021

Published

Welp, there goes nothing. It's up and nothing left to do but the crying.

https://claudbalog.medium.com/princess-and-the-ghosts-eab6b9877ba7


Princess and the Ghosts 

When Losing Your Pet Opens up the Floodgates of Grief