Thursday, September 20, 2018

New Normal and Atonement

Hello world.  I'm an employer now, to a Nanny.  It's been three weeks and I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. She's great.  Both girls appear to love her, she's smart and compassionate and I am totally remembering now how I gravitated towards her during those foggy days of my maternity leave.

In short I got really fucking lucky that the universe placed her in my path and that I have the resources to make it work.

This week marked the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur, our day of atonement.

I've been thinking about presence.  How present are we in our day to day lives?  When I'm scrolling on my phone in the wee hours of the night while nursing Samantha, what does that say about my connectedness to her in those moments?

I was thinking about the many times - like most parents - that I am scrolling on Twitter or FB or IG when sitting with my children.  The moments I am missing and the behavior I am modeling. 

And so when I asked for forgiveness in prayer, and set out my resolutions for the new year, they largely centered around my phone addiction.  There was some other stuff too (like no longer angrily criticizing the Viking for his piss-poor cleaning habits in front of Niblet).... but honestly, thinking about the zombies we are becoming as a human race is more than a little frightening.

Also frightening is the bombardment of imagery and information and triggers.  I scrolled past pictures of babies killed in Yemen the other night.  WHILE I WAS NURSING. 

I am here, alive and ostensibly healthy, with a beautiful home and a hot husband and my daughters  stare up at me with their big beautiful eyes and I need to be present.  In the moment.  Either fully invested in the beauty around me or grappling with whatever they bring me - whether it's hunger cries, the need to be worn like a baby kangaroo, or help with Common Core math (which blows, btw). 

So I asked for forgiveness for those days and night staring at a tiny rectangle that generally causes my cortisol levels to rise.  I need to be present.  I want and need to be connected to the people in front of me. The people I love so much, who I went to hell and back for.

(I came across this video on one of these late nights.  It's utterly terrifying, and left me gutted, so seriously, you can choose to not watch it, hell in some ways I wish I never saw it.  But I used to love MOBY, and the song is an earworm, and I think it kinda captures where my head was at this Yom Kippur).