Thursday, December 24, 2020


It's Christmas Eve day and I am taking a break from work to pause and write here, how much love wrapped with anxiety is in my heart right now.

My girls are a literal source of light. Earlier this week Niblet and I kicked off our holiday season binging on terrible Rom-Coms and it's a fucking joy to experience her sarcasm and laughter during a plague. We baked sugar cookies together and I felt like I was in a fucking Hallmark movie.

Meanwhile, after hand-wringing, much research and a really helpful conversation with our pediatrician, Sammi is going to start pre-school in January, at a place that is doing as good a job as possible with safety precautions, for a few mornings a week.  Even our Nanny agrees that she needs the playtime with other kids close to her age, and this little group of 6 kids will effectively form her pod.  She is a dynamo, a ball of energy and so.many. words, and the way her face lights up when she sees other toddlers, I know she needs this. 

Another nurse I know just died from COVID. Two friends have recovered, but after weeks of pains, even with their "mild" cases. Our hatches have been battened down for months with only masked grocery runs and outdoor times on relatively empty playgrounds. Yeah, I'm just hoping for the best. We've been working hard to protect our Nanny - we wear masks indoors around her, so much of our decision making is related to keeping her safe. She is onboard with the plan (if she wasn't, we wouldn't do it). But the minute any sickness should come into the house we're prepared to enact our household quarantine measures (which includes keeping her home with pay for the duration of the quarantine).

I'm grateful for so much right now. All of our parents' good health. Our good health (fingers crossed). Our ability to buy toys for the kids and have a beautiful tree packed with presents. Our ability to telework indefinitely. The week off Viking and I are both able to take. The warmth of my house which used to be drafty and cold before we spent the money to insulate it. Our fridge packed full of food. I have a stack of unread books that I am desperate to read. 

Wow, this post is gushy and gooey and I wasn't expecting it to be this so when I opened up blogger to write it, but here we are.

To anyone who still reads my ramblings, I wish you so much love and light.

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Feeling the suck of it all

Niblet had a breakdown last night. Between virtual-school, ballet class (which she now despises) and her period, it was a rough night.

"Sammi is lucky she won't remember any of this!" she cried.

I hugged her s tight as she would let me (that she let me tells you how bad she felt, have I mentioned she's now about my size?)

Because I advocate for health care workers I get the benefit of reading COVID stats every day. Our case positivity rates here in the basement of the northeast are not encouraging. It's gonna be a long winter. I've been trying to get her out weekly on a socially distanced play date with a friend, that helps a bit. I've also encouraged her to journal everything right now. And allowed her to watch So. Much. More. TV than I usually would.

She's such an amazing kid, and I hate that she's miserable. I tried putting her situation in perspective without being sanctimonious about it:

"This sucks. what you are experiencing completely sucks. There are people who are suffering worse than us right now and I'm trying to focus on that. Not to take away how much things suck for you, but to be thankful that we aren't sick. None of our family members have died from this. Your dad and I still have our jobs and can still employ C. I'm not saying any of this to take away your feeling bad. Things sucking is not a competition, you can feel terrible and while having it better than other people."

The other people I am referring to are the ones who are a paycheck away from eviction, lining up for food pantries and attending zoom funerals. 

I have one friend who lives in a well-off area of NJ where her kids were attending hybrid school set ups. Her household was just in complete upheaval. Her asymptomatic younger kid brought home COVID, passed it to the Dad. Dad had *mild* COVID. What this looked like was him being completely laid out on his ass for over a week, unable to even walk to the bathroom without help. They had a big enough house that he could quarantine in his den, and the kid could quarantine in her room. Mom and her older kid then rearranged life to keep the house functional (meals, laundry, cleaning etc).

Look, none of this was earth shattering. But who the fuck has time for even mild COVID in their lives, assuming they're lucky?