Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The marathon stretch and better living through chemistry

I am approaching 32 weeks.

Yesterday Dr. W and I chatted and laughed about the final stretch.  There are going to be a lot of fucking appointments.... continued bi-weekly visits and then starting at 36 weeks, weekly Non Stress Tests (NSTs  - which could stand for "No Such Thing" where stress and I are concerned).

I mentioned how some of the memories of painful childbirth have begun to flood back to my brain, to which Dr. W responded 'Better Living Through Chemistry" - ha ha Dr. W.

In all seriousness my epidural experience with Niblet was something of a tragicomedy.  After about 16 hours of active labor, exhausted out of my mind, and with no real progression in sight, I said fuck it (out loud of course) and asked for an epidural.

The douchey anesthesiologist walked in - no seriously, guys, he wore a Pittsburgh Steelers do-rag on his head.  I'm not even a football fan, but this is very bad form in my adopted home town, especially in a hospital. 

I remember sitting in a sort of straddled split position, my back to Mr. Douchebag, and holding Vikings hand's.  Staring into his eyes, I noticed that Viking looked a little queasy watching the Steelers fan work.  See, apparently, the needle that administers the meds looks exactly like a drill-bit to my handy around the house husband.  Anyways, I braced for the pain of the needle/drill-bit/harpoon and probably only gently cursed out loud (according to Viking, I don't actually scream when I'm in pain).

Douche: "You did great there Justonemore.  But, let me ask you, are you a runner by any chance?"

Me: "No, but I am a former professional ballet dancer."

Douche: "Interesting.  Because you have a really muscular back."

Me: "Ummm, Thank you?"

Douche: "Well, see, the thing is, I like to work on floppy backs.  And unfortunately that needle didn't go in, because your back isn't floppy at all.  We're gonna have to try that again."

I look up at Viking, still clasping his hands, his bright blue eyes are starting to look a little unfocused, and I swear, he looks like he's going to faint dead on the floor.  Thank god he knew I would have clocked him if he even tried pulling that bullshit on me.

I have some pretty strong memories of labor pains coming back to me.  I also have the distinct memory of the calm, cool sensation of the medicine rolling down my spine when the (second) epidural eventually started working.  Yes, it completely felt like the sensory equivalent of a York Peppermint Patty.  Months later, I chewed some of this gum, and I swear, I would hold the canister out to Viking and say, "THIS DUDE.  THIS WAS THE FEELING OF MY EPIDURAL."


  1. That’s amazing. I wish you weren’t anonymous, I’m so curious about what you look like. 😂 I shave my head now, probably I should update my picture.

    1. I usually have a really short bob, but am growing it out because time. I've been thinking about posting a picture...

  2. Lwt me begin with i wanted Cindi Lauper hair back when I was young... As a 43 year old and stay at home mom whose hair does not matter anymore, I have experimented with different pinks by Adore (temporary)... But when they refer to any color I like as millennial pink. I am like seriously... I could have birthed a millennial and now its a color...crap ;) I hate feeling old.

    1. Heh. I've had pink hair (and lavendar and blonde and burgundy and black, I like change). Don't let marketing get you down, it's not millennial pink, I was sporting that shit 20 years ago as a sort of grungey gen-xer.

  3. As a nerdy project runway fan I cringed when Nina Garcia called something millennial pink... I was like Noooo! Not you too Nina! I am trying very hard to remain slightly cool and my profession never allowed hair playing of color... So when just being a mom allowed for some cool hair stuff. My 4 year old dude asked for colored hair and was even involved with a scale model baloon to discuss what we were planning on doing to his head... And promptly flipped out when cold glop came near him. His great wolf lodge birthday was rainbow themed. But omg the convulsions we went thru to keep it on his head! Paint the nice scale solar system model we did with balloons... Just stay in the bathtub!! Planet 9... Yep we have not done theoretical planetary science about our solar system ...aka that big ass planet out there they think... but your parents did freaky math so paint it and quit crying! I really do sound like a nerd ninja mom :)