Monday, January 24, 2022

New year new circus

 I'm finally inspired to write again, as we near the close of January. what a month.

This is the month that I am truly grappling with the high and lows of aging.  

On the one hand, the wisdom, man, the wisdom. I am realizing that I am excelling in my professional life because I actually have a lot to offer. I'm up for a promotion, and I just received an appointment to a position on a City Commission because I earned it (no for real, someone addressed me the other day as "Commissioner"). Sure, I still have a lot to learn (don't we always?), but a decade at my current workplace has led me to a place where I can call myself an expert in my field. It's a heavy word, expertise, but I've fucking earned it. I don't relate much to feelings about imposter syndrome that some people I know describe. I know what I'm doing (at least, I know enough to ask the right questions when I don't know the answer), and I'm much more willing to hold myself out into the universe as an "expert."  No false modesty here. I cram all kinds of information into my brain on a daily basis to help healthcare workers assert their rights, and you bet your ass I'm going to do everything I can to elevate them while they're being eaten alive in a country that treats them as disposable. If being the expert gets me in the room to make any kind of positive change, that's how I'm gonna get in the room.

On the other hand, I feel physically more adrift than ever. My back is out again because I am not diligent about my PT exercises. My perimenopausal brain is foggy in all things not work (to the point where I freak out regularly that it will bleed into work). I've needed to lose the same 8 pounds for over a year. I don't drink enough water. I'm finally accepting that I'm lactose intolerant and possibly have some other food reactions that suck. With all of this I snap too easily.

How much of this is the pandemic, how much is it being on the darker side of my forties? Unclear. 

I don't think humans were ever built for the kind of information consumption required of us right now. Excuse me if I can't respond to your email right away, I've had to become an armchair epidemiologist to keep my family alive.

In the midst of all of this, tonight we took a trip to a PETCO to look at kittens that we learned were up for adoption. They were fuzzy and soft and playful and we fell in love and submitted an application. On the one hand, this means more creatures to keep alive. On the other, my love for Princess still leaves open spaces I need filled BY KITTENS.