Tuesday, June 19, 2018

A brief interlude of rage

Ok, so let me state at the outset that I'm good friends with an immigration attorney, and I'm one of those people who has been criticizing US immigration policy for some time now.  Many of our deportations were cruel and shitty under Bush, and later Obama (seeing those cage pictures on the news attributed to his administration was not a surprise) and now...

I can't.  I just can't.  I stare into my 5 month old's big blue eyes and imagine her crying.  This isn't hard to do, she's a baby she cries ALL. THE. TIME.  But I think about how she cries when I don't pick her up immediately because, I don't know, I'm driving the car or sitting on a toilet or standing over a pan with flaming hot sesame oil sizzing towards my eyeballs.  And I imagine her cries when I am eventually going to be self-separated from her when I return to work.  But I have the minimal solace that she will be at a daycare where I know that she will be held and she will be soothed and I will rush out of work like the fucking flash to have her in my arms again.  And I will gladly nurse her as many times at night as she wants just to be near her.  I say this not as some awful sanctimommy, but with some degree of matter-of-factness, because this is how we rolled with Niblet when I had to return to work nine years ago.  Yes it sucked, and yes I was tired, but when you have to leave your baby for the day, you will do what you gotta do.

The news is wrenching and awful and frightening and TRIGGERING AS FUCK.

And look, mass incarceration, it's sort of the American way.  I live in a city where families are torn apart every day, and children are hurled into a foster system that can eat them alive.

But this, this is all too much.  I attempted to explain some of it to Niblet this morning on our drive to camp, and she was just.... appalled.

That's all I've got.  Oh, and if you think that children who don't speak English, and in many cases, don't speak Spanish, should have access to legal representation as well as an advocate who can help them reunite with their family, well, RAICES is a good organization to donate money to:


Monday, June 11, 2018

The highs and lows

I stare at Samantha sometimes and lose track of time when I'm doing it.  She is just ridiculously beautiful, just when I thought it couldn't get cuter than Niblet, someone gives her a run for her money.  Her eyes are these two large blue circles, the closest I can describe them to is... tweety bird? Right now she is the spitting image of her paternal grandfather, his mom's wedding picture hangs on our wall, and offers some clues maybe to what she'll look like (hint, it's awfully pretty).  She loves music and I sing to her constantly, just to get her to smile.

The last few weeks have amazing and sad all at once.  I can't believe how much I enjoy SAHMing.  I've been all in, taking Samantha to the library for nursery rhymes, trying to clean and purge from the hoarder hell Viking imposes on us, picking up Niblet from school every day.  Now that summer is here, I've been adding the local pool to our routine.  My days are exhausting (WHY WON'T YOU NAP IN THE AFTERNOON CHILD????) but full.

Soon that's coming to an end, I'll be back to work in mid-July and Samantha will be at a day care center.  A trusted center (we sent Niblet there, many of her caregivers are still there, the low turnover is encouraging), but a center nonetheless. 

I love my work but I love this more.  But I also make a really good salary, and more importantly, my job comes with a pension and a health benefits package that is irreplaceable.  I don't talk about it much because it's one of those cadillac plans that would make most people in the US want to stab me.

One of the negatives of being home has been the amount of time I've spent on social media (FB, Twitter).  This is my own fault, but man, it's gotta end.  I've spent a lot of time thinking about depression, and anxiety, and the immediacy of bad news, and current events, and world events, and my children's safety, and daily brutality,... and how aside from looking at cat and baby pictures, the internet is a black hole of scary and anxious for me. (PSA, it probably is for you too).  So I've made the decision to cut off from most social media (except for Instagram, because hello, cat and baby pictures).  I also need to find a few hours to update my will, what's morbid about that?

I have five weeks left at home to cherish.  I know from experience that sending my 6 month old daughter to daycare won't be the end of the world, but I do worry about the day to day feeling of living on the edge of insanity and time management crunch when I get back to work.  Thank god I have flexible hours and the ability to do a lot of work from home.  And now that Viking no longer has to work weekends, I can look forward to a ballet class now and then to get my head straight.