Tuesday, May 9, 2017


I was just checking in on my instagram feed and found a beautiful photo my formerly pregnant best friend at work X 2 (PBFAWX2) posted of her son, now two months.

I've been a neglectful friend this past month.  While I started out rocking the being a helpful person thing really hard (taking her daughter while she was in labor, visiting the family, delivering soup on cold days), these past few weeks I have fallen off the face of the earth for her.

I could say it's because of the cycle, the monitoring appointments out of state, the FET.... but honestly it's the baby.  Maybe it's the drugs, the PIO, the estrace, prior to that the lupron, but I've just had this intense feeling that I need to stay away for a bit.

All of that was heightened a few minutes ago.  I looked at this adorable little guy and needed to close that shit fast on my phone.

Maybe it's the HCG that's building up in my system.  (Yes, the line is progressing).

Those stacking rings I wear?  Well, I actually ran out of them, and took to wearing a random one in order to accommodate my recent chemical pregnancies.  (Who needs a manicure?)

Yesterday I ordered three more.  One to replace the one with a square, one to represent the Nibble (to wear on my pointer finger) and one to represent this current pregnancy.  To be added to either the middle or pointer finger at whatever point its conclusion falls.

I feel, well, pretty vulnerable right now.

Viking is there.  Another close friend who knows is a text away.

But nearly everyone in the world (save a few readers) who know me by my face in real life are in the dark about all of this.  That includes my parents and some of my closest friends.  And almost every one of my co-workers, who I am quite bonded with.  The IVF cycle, the FET, and now, these lines on a stick. All of it is a hidden life.

My closest work colleague, who I have been training to take up all of my research work should I ever need to be out for a length of time, thinks I'm dying.  No seriously, he knows I had some sort of "procedure" a week ago, and with my stories about insulin resistance and many doctor's appointments, I am quite sure he thinks I have some horrible disease.  He's also only just about to turn 30, and I know beyond any question that can't even begin to imagine what I've hidden these last five years.

I hate keeping secrets from my parents, in particular.  But I know it's for the best.  They know I have chosen to embark on a donor cycle, but I have kept all of the details from them.  They love me, but I also know that they can internalize my stress to the point where we are all falling apart, and then they're actually more stress on my plate.  I need to keep them distanced from this for the time being, to protect us both really.

And PBFAWX2.... well, she knows that I had been planning to do this.  Get pregnant via IVF and another woman's egg.  And she was incredibly supportive of the plan.  She would probably be thrilled to hear the details.

But the last time I gave her any details about a pregnancy we were both pregnant, she with her first, I, with what would be my fifth consecutive loss.  When she told me she was pregnant, and was so excited to be pregnant with me, I had to have the uncomfortable conversation.  The one where I truly wished her well, told her everything would be just great, and that she would be an amazing mother.  But also stated explicitly that she should not expect to have a joint office baby shower with me, or plan on us being out on leave together with our babies.  Because the odds were high I would not be pregnant for long.

It's not that I don't think this current pregnancy can stick.... actually, I am about as hopeful for it as any pregnancy in the world really.... but I can't share it with her.  Not yet.

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