About Me

Here is my first post on this blog - a window into my frame of mind when I began to capture my thoughts.

Mother to one child, Niblet, a delightful young girl.

Wife to a cool dude. He is patient and kind.  He plays upright bass in a band.  I think he's hot.

Worker justice activist, recovering ballerina and enthusiastic Zumba instructor.

I survived a Partial Molar Pregnancy in July 2012. The D&C from that miscarriage caused me to develop Asherman's Syndrome, scar tissue that sealed my uterus shut and rendered me infertile.

Seeking diagnosis and treatment for Asherman's taught me the most important lessons I would ever learn about the importance of advocating for yourself when dealing with doctors.  Because sometimes, they suck.  And sometimes, they are fucking wrong.

I was finally treated by an amazing RE in Boston and was pregnant again in 2013. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage, along with another D&C.

Nine cycles later, with the help of some Clomid and an IUI, I was pregnant again. That one didn't make it either, and I experienced my third consecutive miscarriage in April 2014.

Four months later I found myself pregnant again.   My 5th pregnancy.  Which would end in unfathomable heartbreak.  Our baby girl - who was chromsomally normal - was lost as the result of a random, rare (1:10,000 odds), horrifying birth defect.  After being told that she was healthy, and after finally embracing the joy of our pregnancy in the second trimester, we had the rug lifted from under us.  We decided to end her suffering and say goodbye.

Nearly four months later I found myself pregnant again, and experienced yet another miscarriage.  Either my fourth or fifth depending on whether I chose to count an unconfirmed chemical pregnancy from early January.

Then I had a series of chemicals.

I have the tally at 8 consecutive lost pregnancies.  I wear a bunch of stacking rings on my middle finger, my to grieve these babies that were not to be (and tell the universe to fuck off as beautifully as possible).

I felt pretty damn youthful and optimistic when I started on this road.  I just turned forty-three. I can honestly say I have been to hell and back.

I  learned that my FSH was 3.4 at the time of my first miscarriage.  After my third miscarriage my FSH was 18.5.

Based on my FSH, despite the fact that I have spent much of these past few years pregnant, some doctors have told me to give up on ever having a baby with my own eggs.

One of my REs believed that if I could keep plowing through the heartbreak, I might end up lucky.  Because she believed that for me, taking home a healthy baby comes down to a statistical roll of some lucky dice.

I have spent the last five years of my life either pregnant, miscarrying, or waiting to be pregnant again.  Before the last two CPs I was working with my therapist to end this journey and live in gratitude for the amazing daughter I have.  Well, the gratitude exists to the moon and back but I want another baby. More accurately, I found myself completely unable to adjust to my new normal as a woman not trying to have another, and still desperately craved another baby with every fiber of my being. So we began a new chapter, egg donor IVF.

A conversation with a psychic medium had confirmed that the door to my having a healthy biological child is closed.  I am seeking the loophole:  I've begun exploring donor eggs...  We are using donor eggs to create embryos that will be PGS tested... and hopefully one of those will survive this bullshit long enough to become our baby.

7 comments:

  1. How in the world did you find me?

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    1. It's a small world. One of my regular readers told me about you...

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  2. Haha! I see, I was surprised to see someone new as I've essentially abandoned my blog. 😂

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  3. Hello fellow Zumba instructor. Zumba helped me survive my TFMR. I had to abandon my classes when we found out our baby girl was sick. I switched gyms and joined a different class and those sessions helped me zone out for an hour during the days when my heart was breaking. Zumba on. I dedicate my classes to my baby girl sometimes.

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. I had to quit teaching zumba classes at the dance studio I was with when I lost Celine because the space was too triggering for me. (And the studio owner said really inappropriate things to me, that's another story for another day). I am working on a new playlist now, hoping to get back on the wagon and teach the women in my office. Huge to you.

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  4. I just wanted to say hello and send some love your way. I came across your blog on the 'Baltimore Moms' page of Babycenter.com. I have experienced a TFMR and a subsequent miscarriage. Your posts about PTSD and grief sound all too familiar and have been things I have had to learn to carry as well. The pain never truly goes away. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with what I hope will be my first daughter (still doesn't feel real that this one could be coming home with me) and am constantly worried. Anyways, just wanted to reach out to send my thoughts and love to you.

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    1. Hi Molly, thanks for writing in and sending the love. I am thinking of you as you get closer to holding that baby in your arms. Just know that I am sending nothing but positive energy into the universe. Many hugs.

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