Monday, October 21, 2019

HOME and moving forward

I returned from my jet-setting adventures through NY about 16 hours early, late Saturday night.

Viking had a cold.  A head cold sure, but I could tell, this put him out of his depth.  Based on looking at some red-nosed, glassy eyed pics sent to me of Samantha, she had one too. So while I was having a surprisingly good time walking down memory lane with classmates on Saturday, I skipped out on  the evening drinking portion of the reunion and hopped on a train back home that night.

When Sammi woke up on Sunday morning I assumed she would be happy to see me.  Yeah, she was, but....

This is also the week I chose to wean her. So she repeatedly cried "NA NA" while closing her hand in a fist (her sign for milk) and yeah, kid, that was rough.

I have to say, I have some very mixed emotions about weaning her.  See, I used to always joke that as soon as a kid could use words to request a specific food, that would be it, they're cut off.

The truth is that I loved the quiet time we spent every morning and night. She wasn't getting a whole lot out of me, yes, I was really functioning as a human pacifier. But I honestly never had an issue with it.

So why did I wean (besides being away for days and effectively killing my milk supply)?

I need a mammogram.  I can't get one.  No matter how hard I try through my doctors, I can't find anyone to give me one unless I'm no longer lactating for at least 3 months. And I have super dense breast-tissue, so I am already bracing for the hell of getting red flags on my mammograms.

I also currently know three women my age who have recently been in treatment for cancer. All of them I know through our kids.  There's a voice in my head that won't quiet.  Call it an intrusive thought, call it my general anxiety about always expecting the bottom to drop. But I have to get a mammogram and this is honestly the only way I will get approved for one.

My baby isn't taking to losing our nursing bond very well. There were some loud screams and big tears last night, and this morning.  It's a shock to her system in a way that it wasn't for her sister (Nibble was weaned around 14 months, and the best word for her reaction was ambivolent).

We'll get through it quickly I'm sure.  I now spend about 5 straight minutes just holding her and snuggling in those moments we used to nurse.  But yeah, the sense of loss is mutual kid.  It really is bittersweet.


4 comments:

  1. My retired ob gave me my medical records. I read that my 44 year old nursing boobs last year were really dense... I will be pregnant for this year's screening. Lyra still happy nursing at almost 13 months. Baby Zagnut hates her big sister on top of her but boobs still offer something to Lyra... I have not fully thought about tandem nursing. She loves daddy Bunny snuggle so it can be done either way.

    Hugs and hope everyone is on the mend.

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    1. My friend with twins successfully tandem nursed, I was always in awe. Sammi is still pretty miffed about losing the boob (singular, she always only wanted one). I am sort of sad too, but happy we made it to nearly two. When I say no one will screen me in my area, I mean NO ONE. It's beyond frustrating.

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  2. I’m sorry. It is hard to wean before you’re really ready. Hope things are going well now.

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    1. They are! I definitely wasn't quite ready, and S wasn't quite ready either because there were a few days there where she would still cry and pull my shirt down. But it's been about 2 weeks now and I feel like I can look back and say we had a good run. Hope things are good on your end!

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