Sunday, July 22, 2018

a new normal and household changes

I started back at work two days ago and Samantha started at daycare.

The last six months were surreal.  My daughter is to put it simply, the most.  The most adorable.  The most joyous.  The most hilarious.  The most loving.  I can't even being to start with how my life will always be pre-Samantha and post-Samantha.

Niblet is adjusting to her new normal too, and I think with some grace.  She had a few rough months there.  "Mom, you spend all of your time with Samantha."  I think you should look at it like Mom is keeping the baby alive.  Most of this time was spent with her nursing (boy could girlfriend feed on demand).  I totally get how our lives were upended with this living breathing creature that was either latched on to me or burrowed into me like a baby kangaroo.  Totally get it Niblet.

Today, I can finally get out of the house a bit sans baby.  She HATED her father for months, now she tolerates him and even flashes him some smiles now and again.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered.  As a result, Niblet is more confident with her too.  She picks her up more, changes diapers and plays with her more regularly.  It's the most beautiful thing to see, these two girls, who look so much a like, nearly ten years apart.

Daycare was indeed harder on me than Samantha.  But due to some crazy scheduling in Niblet's school year that has her taking on so many extracurricular activities, we are looking at hiring a nanny.  Insanely Bourgie, I know.  But right now the universe has Samantha at Daycare, Niblet at aftercare, and then potentially a third baby sitter to reliably get her to all of her after school stuff.  Our childcare is like a very shaky house of cards.

And as the universe would have it, she plopped a nanny in front of me.  Literally, at Niblet's school.  I met her when picking Niblet up every day, she was picking up some of her school mates.  For four months she and I would stand in the school parking lot and talk about everything under the sun - from the latest Ali Wong netflix special to why organizing closets is so hard.  I liked her a lot, and asked her if she ever had free time to babysit.

Well, the last day of school she came up to me ( "So, this is sort of awkward...") and asked if we would ever consider hiring a nanny.  Geez, it wasn't something we ever thought we could afford, but sure let's talk.  Turns out her family is only employing her until Labor Day.  I talked to her current family, and a few others  - she's reliable, kind, their kids love her and she made their lives a million times easier.  Think a slightly punk rock Mary Poppins.  We'd end up pretty broke for a few years, but we'd be close to broke regardless with the daycare costs. I've perfected recipes with rice and beans these last few months on unpaid leave.

Everything about babies involves second guessing.
-Conceiving (Should we? If so, when?)
-Fertility (Can we?  Should we be doing something different?  IVF?  New doctor?  Pills and supplements? )
-Pregnancy (Is this safe? Is there risk? Will I have regrets?)
-Childbirth (midwife? hospital? High risk OB?)
-Infant care (Nursing? Formula? everything else that's frightening on Dr Google)
-Childcare (Do I stay home unpaid? Daycare? Home daycare? Nanny? Pray?)

I am among the fortunate. Niblet's grandmother watched her for a YEAR after I went back to work with her.  This go around I have had sleepless nights thinking about childcare (well, she's not sleeping through the night anyways).  But I also was recently promoted, so I have a little more flexibility and disposable income.  So many mamas in my country don't.  It's a fucking heartache.

4 comments:

  1. I had a guess the going back was happening soon. You sound very sane so it might have been hard but you sound logical and composed. That is a feat! I would be a blubbering idiot talking about it.

    Q*Bert is still due in September. She's big and I have new stretch marks but no regrets. I am on the worse end of moderate anemia and feel like a sloth. 108 degree heat index not helping get my barbarians out of the house. 32 wks tomorrow.

    I hope that life and the universe continue to be kind to your amazing family. Nanny sounds great to keep baby nugget and Niblet happy and going going going. You remain in my thoughts and hope your wonderful life remains as awesome as ever! Hugs!

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    1. JFC 32 weeks. AMAZING.

      I've got a c section scar that's a honey, stretch marks are nothing.

      I've been tentative about writing because I feel this constant tug that things are too good, some bottom will drop out somewhere. it's my ptsd talking I know, but it's a weird feeling waiting for disaster to strike. I'm trying to focus on what I have.

      I can't wait for Q'Bert (but stay in there another 8 weeks girl). xo

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    2. You have every reason to be afraid life is too sweet, too perfect! Eventually you are gonna meltdown and realize it's just as fabulous as it is and have a good cry. Awesome like some natural wonder (not really good sandwich awesome)... But the loss of words while crying good!

      I know us TFMR Mama's get it. I find comfort in knowing that our birth board are not the wackos on the normal birth boards. We hit a 90% off consignment sale where Bunny and I went a bit nuts but omg polo for $1 and Carter's two pc for 35 cents. That might have been my true first holy crap...this is happening. Bunny has never baby clothes shopped. Between Q*Bert, Woogie and Fizzgig we spent $62 and even big kids got brand names :) today was bunk bed building because each kid needs their own bed...that is how we told the kids. But daddy will be sleeping in there on the bottom so he's functional while I moo and lactate all night.

      Having two kids finally out of diapers I have definitely had my wtf are we doing moments... Excited and scared. But she's 97% on length and long bones. My lack of newborn stuff hopefully will not prove STOOPID.

      HUGS to your beautiful family and life!

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  2. Sounds like the nanny is awesome and would make things 2/3rds less crazy (replace 3 care options with one). I’d do it. Glad Niblet adjusted well. It’s hard to share 😁

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