Looking at the calendar

So I am 11DPO and going to throw out that I am likely not pregnant this month.  Like, I am about 95% sure.  This is the third cycle since my miscarriage that I have officially been NTNP - which in my world looks a lot like having a fair amount sex around ovulation and then calling it a day.

Would I love to be pregnant?  Of course.  When you spend a fair amount of your life pregnant, and you're 41 and find yourself not pregnant after a few months of unprotected sex, you start wondering, am I veering towards age-related infertility?  Is this the harbinger of the real end of the road? Which is rationally speaking insane and ridiculous, in part because I only have something like a 2% shot of even achieving a pregnancy in any given cycle, but there you have it.  Yes, this whole fucking experience and the thoughts that permeate your brain along with it are insane and just slightly ridiculous.

But all of that aside.....the calendar is working in my favor this month.  A July pregnancy would have created an estimated due date perilously close to Celine's.  A July pregnancy would likely wreak havoc on my August beach vacation.  Mind fuck city.  I would be due for viability scans at the same time I should be lounging on the sand without a care in the world.

Also, there's this:  As much as I expect every pregnancy to, well, fail..... I can't help but wonder "what if it didn't?"  What if I went walking through the woods one day and happened upon a magical unicorn, and somehow I carried this one to term?  Well, that's an interesting scenario as well.  Because my maternity leave would run out when I would be expected to return to work during a hugely busy season at my office - I'm talking 60 hour work weeks including weekends.

So that was a long winded post to say, I am not knocked up.  And while that forces me to stare my own mortality in the face, it's probably for the best.