Ugh.

You know when you spend a weekend taking two additional doses of cytotec (rounds three and four for anyone who is counting along) and you bleed and cramp and bleed some more, all the way into the night the sunday before you have a ton of meetings on monday, and you STILL don't see anything that is definitively the gestational sac passing through the remains of what surely should be the entirety of your uterus?

Guys, this is torture.  I am still bleeding and still cramping.  By my LMP, I am nearing 11 weeks not pregnant. I am losing my sanity, not to mention, my ability to just maintain the smile that I am attempting to walk around with. 

Fellow-RPLers will understand the daily struggle of compartmentalizing when you are constantly walking around during some stage of miscarriage.  Someone should do a psych study of the women who live this way - walking around, showing up at work, dealing with our friends and families, all the while slowly being torn up inside.  We generally hide our pregnancies and thus, our losses. Seriously, this is already such a silent, isolating pain. Having your body not know how to miscarry properly, let alone carry a healthy pregnancy, is pretty much the worst of an already worst situation.

Meanwhile in logistics land, the scheduler at Dr. K's office is telling me she is booked and can't see me this week, so I begged her to pass on a message to the doctor, in the hopes that she will let me just come in this week for an ultrasound.  "I took another round of cytotec this weekend and I am bleeding but I don't think this miscarriage is complete, and Dr. K advised me that it was critical I come in for follow-up," I practically whined to the scheduler.  "Please, I have to see Dr. K, I can develop an infection and may need a D&C, but I won't know if you don't allow me to come in."

The only thing that's worse than feeling helpless about your body, is feeling helpless about your ability to convey important time-sensitive information to people who control the fate of your uterus.