Friday, April 4, 2014

I'll have a plate of limbo with a side of grim foreboding

I'm back again in the worst zone of RPL, which in itself I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.  My betas are rising but not doubling normally.  I have felt ill-at-ease this whole week, emotional and unstable and not in a happy hormone "wow, I'm pregnant crying at a hallmark commercial" kind of way.

On the worst possible scenario side:  the pregnancy is ectopic.  The best miscarriage outcome I could hope for is a quick acknowledgment that it will not stick.  I have never miscarried "normally" so hold out little hope for this turn of events.  Miscarriages are awful in every form, but after going through undiagnosed miscarriages that last as long as 6 weeks, why can't my body just bleed and be done with it?

On the other end of the spectrum is a very unlikely scenario that I began with a twin pregnancy.  Unlikely because my numbers weren't terribly high to begin with.  But the faintest glimmer of possibility because I did have three large follicles on the morning of my IUI.

With my track record the outcome of all of this is pretty much written in the stars.  My stress is compounded because I am supposed to travel across the country with niblet to visit family. The tickets were gifted to us by a family member.  I feel obligated to go, but it will be trigger city, as my cousin just had her first baby.  I'm honestly at a loss for what to do.  I want to be selfish and just tell everyone, "Sorry, no can do, I am sick and can't fly across the country now with my 5 year old."  But not to self-aggrandize, I have never done anything like that before.  Want me to contort myself into a pretzel for your needs and wishes?  Want me to be in two places at once so everyone can be happy at work/home?  I'm usually your gal.  It's fucking exhausting, but I'm good at it.  Right now, all I feel is useless.

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