I am sitting at my desk at work on my lunch break and realizing that the smallest glimmers of good news will greatly lift your spirits when you're in a hole. In my case, the good news is marked by blood. Yes, I started bleeding last night. With copious amounts of Chinese herbs, a session of acupuncture that involved "release energy" and an outpouring of prayers and support from virtual and real-life friends, my body is actually doing what it is supposed to be doing when carrying a baby that is doomed. It will be a with a huge sigh of relief when I am able to tell Doctor Cuddles, thanks but no thanks to another D&C.
IVF isn't as "on the table" as my last post suggested. The deal-killer is the PGD, or Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis that is not covered by our insurance. PGD is thousands of dollars a pop, as much as six in some labs. On top of the couple of thousand in out-of-pocket costs we would have for IVF, it's just too much. We just don't have this money. And IVF without the genetic screening is frankly, pretty worthless and risky. I can clearly get pregnant (with a little help from ovary-stimulating drugs). I am just not getting pregnant with any chromosomally normal eggs.
So I sit here, cramping, and staring at my desk calendar, wondering when my next cycle will start. In four weeks? Six? I have cried many my tears on this loss already. I need to move forward, to plan ahead. And I need to find some sign out there that I can still do this. That I can still keep trying. And that I can continue to weather more losses if I must. Welcome to my new normal.