Monday, April 14, 2014

return to the new normal?

I am sitting at my desk at work on my lunch break and realizing that the smallest glimmers of good news will greatly lift your spirits when you're in a hole.  In my case, the good news is marked by blood. Yes, I started bleeding last night.  With copious amounts of Chinese herbs,  a session of acupuncture that involved "release energy" and an outpouring of prayers and support from virtual and real-life friends, my body is actually doing what it is supposed to be doing when carrying a baby that is doomed.  It will be a with a huge sigh of relief when I am able to tell Doctor Cuddles, thanks but no thanks to another D&C.

IVF isn't as "on the table" as my last post suggested.  The deal-killer is the PGD, or Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis that is not covered by our insurance.  PGD is thousands of dollars a pop, as much as six in some labs.  On top of the couple of thousand in out-of-pocket costs we would have for IVF, it's just too much.  We just don't have this money.  And IVF without the genetic screening is frankly, pretty worthless and risky.  I can clearly get pregnant (with a little help from ovary-stimulating drugs).  I am just not getting pregnant with any chromosomally normal eggs.

So I sit here, cramping, and staring at my desk calendar, wondering when my next cycle will start.  In four weeks?  Six?  I have cried many my tears on this loss already. I need to move forward, to plan ahead.  And I need to find some sign out there that I can still do this.  That I can still keep trying.  And that I can continue to weather more losses if I must.  Welcome to my new normal.

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