Thursday, April 10, 2014

And so this too shall pass

I am officially miscarrying.  Thankfully,
1.  A gestational sac is present in my uterus, I don't have to worry about one of my tubes rupturing at any inopportune moment, and
2. My HCG has started to drop.

I will take all prayers, chants, mantras, positive energy and good vibrations that are out in the world right now.  But what I would love, would be to actually miscarry naturally, preferably in the next 4 days, but even more ideally, before Tuesday the 22nd.  I have another D&E scheduled for that date in the event my body doesn't cooperate, because Doc Cuddles is concerned with the "products getting sticky" (her words). 

We also had another IVF conversation, where she raised what I must admit is a good point:  Continuing to go through miscarriages is making me lose not only what's left of my mind, but precious time.  Three chromosomally abnormal babies in a row points in the direction.  I have just learned that our insurance DOES in fact cover it (at least up to 90%). "What I really want to do is extract a ton of eggs from you and have them tested so you wouldn't have to go through this," she said, as I thought "what you really want is me undergoing a $15K procedure.

Nevertheless, it's back on the table.  It has to be considered.  I have been so unhinged from my post-partum drop this week that I swear I was a danger to the world around me.  Yesterday I got pulled over for expired tags - which in fact weren't expired, it's just that the sticker was in my glove compartment (of course it was).  I am quite sure the nice female officer was following me to make sure I didn't drive my car over a bridge or something, after tearfully blurting out "I am miscarrying my third baby."  I could see her behind me as I started bawling behind my steering wheel. 

And so today I am back home taking a much needed mental health day, spring cleaning my house, impatiently waiting for this baby to pass...


  1. Found your blog from Baby Center--just wanted to share and chat. We have two kids and now four miscarriages plus one chemical. It's hard! I too just miscarried this weekend.

    1. I am so so sorry for your losses. I completely understand what it's like to be grateful for what you have, but still be torn apart by grief. I hope you heal and recover quickly from your recent ordeal. Repeat pregnancy loss just sucks. Many hugs.

  2. This makes me so sad, and my heart is breaking for you. You are in my prayers, and I hope your healing can begin soon.

    1. Thank you I truly appreciate it. Right now I am just still waiting and praying for this m/c to start. I hate that my body won't let go.