Saturday, February 25, 2017

My donor

I've said before that she's pretty.  She is, really pretty.  Some of her adult pictures had the gloss and sparkle of a beauty pageant contestant.  What drew me to her first were her childhood photos - I'll be honest, they resembled me.  Big brown eyes, brown hair, smaller lips.  One of her baby pictures looked so much like the Nibble it took my breath away.

But what sealed the deal for me was her artistic ability, and a general gut feeling that she wasn't an alien.  A skilled violinist, from a musical family.  She painted all of the artwork that hangs in her house.  She loves reading and going to antique stores.  Yes, this is the stuff of internet dating nightmare, and I'm surely not the first person to note the absurdity of reading online profiles.  But yeah, when she came on to my clinic's website I had the intense urge to swipe right.

Her willingness to go through the legal hurdles, and frankly, the emotional intelligence of some of the questions she raised with her attorney made me even more convinced that well, as far as choices go, I made the best one for me.

The other day my clinic's coordinator messaged me:  Your donor was so touched by the card you wrote her... would you allow her to know whether her eggs result in a pregnancy?  This isn't something we ordinarily do with anonymous donors, and it is up to you.

I didn't hesitate.  Yes, you may let her know if her eggs result in a pregnancy for me.

I spent a good eight hours a couple of weeks ago absolutely panicked that my donor would change her mind in the future about being open to contact from her genetic offspring. Well, I think I'm over that fear.  I feel deep in my gut that whatever the future holds, we've got the foundation for something.  I don't know what to call it. Trust, maybe?

Viking and I had a long talk last night.  He admitted never really getting why I thought I had to click with an online donor profile.  And honestly, plenty of people do anonymous donor egg ivf where the clinic's doctor chooses their donor, so it's not that farfetched for him to feel this way.

I am sickeningly aware that this woman's eggs may never result in a living baby that could ever reach out to her.  It's a cold stark reality for me.  But however this crazy train rolls along, I feel very very calm right now.  In this, at least, we made the right choice.

As far as I know, as of tonight, all eight of our fertilized balls of cells have made it to day 3.

12 comments:

  1. This is so awesome. Out of curiosity, what if all 8 are viable? Would you go again if a pregnancy is successful?

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    2. So far two are close to arrest, so we're working on a batch of 6. I went into this with the hope for 4 embryos to test, and two normals out of those. Right now, they've biopsied and frozen 1. They wait up to Day 7 to do the biopsy, I expect a few more today and tomorrow. But honestly, two normals is what I am crossing my fingers for. Three would be gravy if I miscarry those. To answer to your real question, well, my name is Just ONE more for a reason ;)

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    3. Hahaha!! Of course! I should have known.

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  2. So hoping for your "just more lil bundle of joy!" -very exciting to hear the embryos are growing into lil blastocysts and hoping y'all have several healthy em'bros or em'gals to choose from:)

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    1. thank you so much. The wait on the embryo report is brutal, but we're finially getting a little more good news. hurdle by hurdle at least.

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  5. Hi there- it's been some time since I wrote & you may remember me as the one that sent you the link to Amelia's blog after seeing your parallels in your stories & seeing her link through Brooke's that I've followed for many years- hi to you too from the loss inter-webs Amelia❤️

    Yesterday I took my rainbow to my BFF's rainbow's birthday & marveled at the glow she has carrying her new pregnancy- this pregnancy achieved with the blessing of DE- I'm sending you T&P that you too are soon pg with your own little miracle soon... I'm certain you will be & what a beautiful thing that will be✨❤️ -L

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    1. Totally remember you, you have been so supportive over the years and yay! for connecting me to Amelia. I have no idea if I'll ever meet a little miracle, but honestly, I am feeling a little calmer about all of this than I have ever felt in the past. What doesn't kill me won't kill me.

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    2. How lovely a place the internet can be. ❤❤❤

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  6. So true Amelia & truly I cannot imagine navigating my loss journey without the guidance and support of those women such as yourselves💔❤️❤️

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