Monday, February 13, 2017

And then we move backwards? Maybe? (Updated)

The donor is now unsure about future contact.  Reviewing the terms of the legal agreement I've had drafted up - with her attorney who I am paying for - she is now, I guess, realizing that the contract is being put into place to ensure that she allows any future offspring to contact her (when they reach adulthood).  She's also struck out the language about registering on the Donor Sibling Registry because it's too much of a lift to update her medical information with them and she's "worried she will forget."


A little bit of family law for y'all.... so, she is definitely willing to execute a clinic's consent form to be contacted in the future, BUT, that particular consent form also allows her to back out of the agreement if she changes her mind.  THIS is why I had a lawyer draft a separate contract with the donor in the first place, because that form is not enough to protect the rights of any child to identify where they came from.

This is hugely worrying.

And believe me, I am trying to be empathetic to her qualms.  It IS a huge mental leap to agree to contact with your genetic child (if THEY request it).  It's also a huge mental leap to know how you will feel about something in 18 years,  God, I get it.  I thougt that because she wasn't a young woman fresh out of college (she is in her later 20s) that she would be a surer bet for agreeing to put it in writing.

ETA: it's also understandable from a legal perspective, that she doesn't want to be held liable for breach of contract if some event in her life makes her want to not disclose her identity. Viking also noted that she could be in breach of contract if she merely forgot to update a donor sibling registry medical questionnaire. Which could be frightening on her end. We are sympathetic.

You have to know why I am so intense about this: After meeting with our counselor, Viking and I were so on the same page that "open to future" contact had to be on our list.  Not that we cared about future contact for us.  It's for the child.  Yes, to a great extent, it's me projecting "what may be" on a kid that isn't born, I know.  But the counselor we met with functioned as a sort of proxy for this child, and their rights, and believed so strongly that like cases of adoption, the child has the right to know where they come from.

Jesus.  This is a nightmare troubling development.  What I want is to cycle, to be a mother.  But once again, OMG, I am being put in a position to roll the dice on the comfort on my potential unborn offspring. What if moving forward with this donor means that they may never be able to learn where they came from if she changes her mind?

ETA: On the other hand, for now, she has signed a clinic consent where she agrees to contact.  And our contract will have her be available for medical emergencies.

All of this has really driven home how important it is to review these clinic agreements with a lawyer, to really understand what you're signing.  I want her to understand what I hope for my child.  I want her to understand that she's not consenting to ever be the mother of this potential child.  It's really a predatory industry, isn't it? 

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