Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Not this time

I am fairly certain that I am not pregnant this month.  Technically I am about 4 days away from my period being due, but you have to trust me on this, I'm not feeling it.  When I said this to my husband he told me he was sorry, and I could see the disappointment on his face.  I am honestly okay.

First off, based on what the REs say, I have what, a 2% chance of finding myself knocked up each month?  So while I always live with the expectation of pregnancy and miscarriage, the fact is that a BFN for a 41 year old after one cycle of "not really trying" is more normal than not.

I think I am also giving my sad little reproductive system a high five for not allow my body to fertilize and implant a crappy egg that will only result in a miscarriage.  Because to be honest, that's sort of new for me.  The theory of "superfertility" is bandied about quite a bit on the RPL boards, and there's some good rationale behind the notion that we who suffer from recurrent losses have uteri (?) that will grow just about anything.  It's not a comforting thought.

So, this is the first month in many many moons that I am all but certain that I am not pregnant.  (Can I add that if I add up all of my pregnancies, I have either been pregnant or in the process of miscarrying for roughly FIFTY WEEKS in the past three years?  Think about THAT:  A YEAR'S WORTH OF WALKING AROUND PREGNANT without ever taking home a living baby).  With the state of not being pregnant, I can to stick with my diet, and work out, and try to feel physically at peace.

You know, it would be a novel concept, if I hadn't been here roughly this time last year.

Last April I miscarried.  By July, after being given the talk of doom by some awful doctors, I said fuck it.  I drank wheat grass and downed supplements.  I practiced yoga and taught a fuck-ton of zumba classes.  I looked fit and kind of great.

And found myself pregnant with Celine in my third cycle after my miscarriage.

I would be lying if I didn't wonder, can history repeat itself?

5 comments:

  1. Can you explain what you mean by super fertility and the uterus growing just about anything? Do you mean that a "bad egg" is more likely to fertilize, implant, and begin to be carried after a miscarriage? This is not a concept I am familiar with, and am trying to decide if I should TTC this cycle, my first after miscarriage, or wait another cycle. I would rather wait another month than miscarry again (obviously!)

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    1. Hi Kate. So my understanding is that we all have heightened fertility after miscarriages. The super fertility theory seems to be that some women miscarry more because their bodies fetilize and implant bad eggs, instead of just rejecting pregnancies BUT I have never seen anyone link the two ideas together. I think if you are ready ttc (which in my case includes feeling like diet and supplements are adequate) then go for it. All I meant is that for me, now days, given my history, I look at a bfn as my body working properly. Sorry if I caused you even more worry!

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  2. No worries at all, thanks for responding!

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  3. best of luck to you. <3 I just want one more as well. it is a hard journey.

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    1. Same to you and sending you strength.

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