Thursday, May 14, 2015

Here on in, let's just try sleeping

Well, the morning started out good.  I felt my right ovary cranking.  I fit into a slim pair of pants.  So, I headed into acupuncture and she laid some needles around my ovaries to get things flowing.  And I shut my eyes and attempted to think happy thoughts, happy cozy belly thoughts....

And then suddenly as if I am in a time machine, I am back at my 12 week ultrasound with Celine.  My hand is on my little bump.  She is wiggling around the screen.  And I am brought back - in a flash - to that moment in time between joy and trauma.  She is wiggling on the screen and in moments I will learn that all of her internal organs are developing outside of her body. The doctor is looking at me with sad eyes explaining the gravity of our situation.

I opened my eyes and realized my heart was racing.  I stared up at my acupuncturist's lovely painted ceiling.  It is sky blue with clouds, just like the unused nursery in our house that has been converted into an office and repository of old furniture and junk.

I think I'm a little too damaged for visualization exercises. 

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