Saturday, June 6, 2015

head space

I have been crazy busy this week - attending an industry conference, presenting and then participating at a second conference, working long hours to reform a ridiculously fucked up healthcare program in a state that shall remain unnamed.... all of this, one would think, would serve to get my mind off of da babies.

Yeah, not so much.

People asked to see pictures of Niblet, which I am always too happy to show.  She is ridonkulously cute.  And yes, cliches be damned, really growing up way too fast.  My heart hurts at the thought of her being the only child I ever mother.

Then on facebook land, not one but two women in my demographic are pregnant.  One, a graduate from my high school class, the other, a slightly older woman I have known for years.  I am thrilled for them both.  Both are experiencing the joys of a first pregnancy.  Both are naively posting ultrasound pictures on their pages.  Thankfully, neither can comprehend the terror of wondering if your pregnancy will last another day even when you've entered the second trimester.  Neither knows the lingo of every fucked up thing that can go wrong when you are carrying a baby - from PPROM to Pre-E, Incompetent Cervix to cord mishaps to TFMR.  When you've lost a baby (or more than one) pregnancy itself becomes a minefield that requires many many therapy sessions.

This week I am trying to let go.  I got a basically normal period.  While I am for all intents and purposes, "still fertile" I am working double-time to imagine my life as is.  Our little family of Husband, Niblet and Princess.  It will never feel complete, Celine certainly looms large in my mind quite frequently.... but I have lately wondered how I would (will?) handle the stress of another pregnancy if I made it to a heartbeat.  What would every day be like when you expect it to be your baby's last?  How does one function in a state of limbo?  The week between when I received Celine's diagnosis and we finally decided to spare her suffering was the worst week of my life.  No, for reals.  Walking around as mother and mourner, is a state of being that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

Do I really want to go there again?


  1. I totally agree. Ppl on ivf boards who have had a couple failed cycles constantly say "oh it's just a numbers game". Then as soon as they have their 2 first positive beta ppl start saying you're going to be a mommy!" I for one, won't believe it until a baby is in my arms. No it is not a numbers game or luck or the lottery. There is a medical reason why some of us are constantly walking around mourning while others can have a baby no problem. I just hope the RE's get educated so that women like us can have our rainbow's too. Hugs!

  2. Hugs back to you! Sometimes I wonder if drs will have completely changed their tune on immune issues when Niblet is of childbearing age....Just thirty years ago doctors told women that stress or moving around too much caused miscarriages.