Let go

My Mom and I were talking about my period, as we often do because this is me.  Yes, it's a little dose of good news that I got one and that I don't have to include "scheduling a flight to Boston" in my daily planner.

My Mom is also  - surprisingly - fundamentally optimistic about my ability to bring a healthy baby into this world.  Now I've talked at length about holding onto shreds of hope, yada, yada, yada, but this is a bit different.  You see, based on our conversations, my Mom seems to believe at her core that I can realistically give birth to a healthy sibling for Niblet.  Despite everything. 

Shocking right?

When I peruse the Over 40 TTC boards, there's a whole lot of gloom about the lack of family support for a woman's wish to take care of a newborn over 40.  Lots of women describe mothers who are disparaging and cruel, and who ultimately just hide their deepest hearts' desires from their families.  I recognize that I am lucky to be free of such baggage.

Y'all know I am actively focusing on my physical health right now.  I am down a few pounds.  I taught a kick-ass zumba class last night.  I am really watching what I eat, and much more specifically, how I snack.  (Long story short, the devil is in the details, and snacks are the devil and man, snacks will cause you much grief when you're trying on a pair of slim cut pants).

I've also informed the husband that we're back in business in about 8 days.  Yeah, that's right, I expect to be ovulating sometime next week.  "Not trying not preventing" is a bit of a stretch for a middle-aged couple that will plan to enjoy sexy times during a specific timeframe.  But seeing as I'm not peeing on ovulation sticks, let alone monitoring my ovaries, for now, this is going to be the limit of our getting back on the ttc horse.

For my money, I'm looking at the coming months more in the mind frame of "just showing up on time."  What does that mean?  For one,  I will continue to listen to my ovaries when they are twingling with the message that I am fertile (as they always have, quite clearly).  I will also continue to take my vitamins and supplements, they're good for me right?   Finally, I will continue to tackle three years worth of pregnancy weight and then some (11 pounds to go!) - to look  better and feel better.

All of this is to say that I am trying to find the right recipe, the right balance, for how you approach your deepest hearts' desire in a way that won't render you a sobbing basket case driving to work when your period arrives the following month.  I keenly understand that for my sanity, I have to let go.  The lower the threshold of expectation of success, the better.  Let my Mom be the one to cross her fingers and pray for a miracle.  Praying for miracles can be exhausting business when you've been let down for three years running.  By not laughing at the idea, she's proven herself up for the task.