Tuesday, March 28, 2017

off to the races and back into hiding

Well, away we go, I start Lupron injections on Sunday night.  Then about a month from then, I have a tentative transfer scheduled for May 2nd.

My next few weeks will be all about hiding.  Hiding needles and their hazardous disposal container from my parents and the Nibble when I'm with her in NYC on spring break.  Hiding the needles once again from my co-workers when I have to fly to upstate NY so the 15 of us can live in a cabin together for a research staff "retreat."  I don't even wanna do trust falls with these people, nice as they are.

Then there's the zumba classes I'll no longer be allowed to teach after transfer, doctor's orders, that will require some sort of lie.

Then there's the girl's weekend getaway with some of my oldest friends that I may skip out on.  I will either be not pregnant and sad, miscarrying and sad, or roughly nine weeks pregnant and an anxious wreck.  And in that third case, I will also be hiding self-administered PIO shots and coming up with creative reasons why I'm not drinking/getting a massage/doing all the things that girls on girls' weekends do.  While it could be pleasant and fun, it could also be stressful as all fuck.

Gah.  I know millions of women have survived IVF but all of my old anxieties are flooding back. 


  1. In 2 days it will be the 2 year anniversary of me not being pregnant, (aka my last loss) the longest I've been not knocked since being pregnant with G. It was a terrible time. I was insane. I am sending calm, soothing, all is well thoughts your way. May your experience be the exact opposite of mine.

    1. Hugest creepiest internet hugs to you. We have a frighteningly similar timeline. My last loss to involve monitoring by an RE and an eventual D&C was on Good Friday, 2015. So for me, while I've had a few chemicals, I haven't felt really pregnant in 2 years this month. I don't think I can willfully enter this experience without the expectation of losing my shit. I think it's a question of degree at this point. Stuff to talk through with my therapist today.... sending you so much of the calm and love.

    2. Totally get it. It's terrible that the very thing you wish for most is your biggest trigger. This is our life.

    3. Also thank you for the love. Unrelated; went to your timeline, we are so much alike, and am curious about your 7 stacked rings that say fuck you universe, I too need 7 of those rings, where did you get them?

    4. I got some of them on etsy... one of them at a craft fair.... I can't recommend the etsy vendor because they were expensive, and all used to have different colors (one was rose gold, one was yellow gold, etc) and eventually they all faded. Now they're all kinda silverish. I'll be on the lookout for more, and let you know (since there's still a little room left on my fuck you universe finger)

  2. Hi old friend... I'm just checking in on you and am smiling ear to ear with this latest news. I'm sending so much love and hugs your way... ❤️❤️❤️