Monday, March 20, 2017

window into the mind of the wretched

Wowzers, we have four embryos on ice, that's pretty amazing... But all of this has been way too easy- at least for these past few months, so I'm sure we are just due for some tragedy.  No one with a history like me walks out of this experience with anything but tears, right?  I am waiting for the call where we learn the lab's exploded with our embryos.  Or, something will go wrong with implantation.  Yeah, it won't come as a surprise when I develop an immune reaction to pregnancy.  Or there's the possibility of ectopic, I mean I've never had one of those, and women like me don't walk around with two functional tubes their entire lives. Surely a life-threatening pregnancy is next on the list.  On the more mundane end of the spectrum, I could always develop issues with my lining because that would be a new frustrating curveball....Hmmm.... gestational carrier isn't an option for us, so, wow, this is really it.  I mean, sure, it's the bees knees that we get four IVF attempts, but wow, four rounds of lupron and PIO with never a living baby, well, that's a pretty horrible proposition, but it's also pretty possible given that I am a walking lightening strike.  A catalyst of doom.  Speaking of doom, yeah, there's my cervix.  Four D&Cs and a couple of hysteroscopies should ensure that even if I'm successful my pregnancy will fail because, you know, my cervix.  But yes, at the end of the day, it's a nice exercise, going through these motions like a woman who thinks they will hold a baby.  I guess I need to find an MFM now, someone who will be kind when I lose my next pregnancy.  Keep smiling right? Surely it's better than curling up in fetal position and crying every day, I mean, who the fuck has time for that.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get it. Hard to hope when they've been dashed so many times.