you get what you get

A few weeks ago when Viking and I were driving back home from the clinic, I looked at him and said, "You know, we could be in a position where we would be selecting an embryo by gender." 

It floored him.

"What would you want to do?"

"Well, I don't know... maybe a boy to balance things out?"

"Maybe..."

I'll be honest, I'm not even sure about the ethical position my clinic takes on this topic (I know clinics vary).  And who knows what we would get in terms of healthy embryos, hell IF we get healthy embryos....

I'll admit, when I allow myself to fantasize about babies, they tend to be girls.  Man, girls are hard, I am already dealing with body-image issues with 8 year old Niblet (AND HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT).  But girls are what I know.

When I look at my donor, I imagine the features of her potential female offspring, would a baby girl of mine have her large brown eyes (which greatly resemble my large brown eyes?)....then sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to raise a small boy, one who maybe looked like his dad.... And then, once again, I think of Niblet, the perfect composite of us both.

And then I think about how much of this process has sucked the joy of the unknown out of me.  The unknown is generally a dark and destructive place, you know, because it's where my babies die.  So far, of my babies that have been lost, most have been girls.

But what if we had one spark of normalcy, in a potential future pregnancy.... what if I didn't know what fertilized embryo was going to be implanted in my body?

This is where I'm headed on the issue, for now.