That's the word that my therapist kept returning to throughout our hour together.
For nearly four years I have been so focused on controlling this outcome, and being angry about my lack of control. And now that I am emerging from this battle I have waged against my own body, I am even more angry at the time I have lost. And being a control freak on all accounts (I'll go ahead and own that description), it's no wonder.
I think back to other periods of my life that caused me to break down.... throughout my years at school (up to law school) when I had problems with standardized tests because I have a weird cognitive disability... when I was a muscular, less-than-willowy dancer and didn't get cast in the parts I wanted..... when I fought with my parents because I couldn't make them see the world through my eyes....
The common link in all of these things is the lack of control I had. In each of these examples I contorted myself backwards and forwards to change the outcome, to try move the world around me by sheer brute force of will.
Anyone who knows me personally can tell you that when I fight, I fight hard.
But that's why I cry so soften these days. And that's why I have fallen into this deep depression spanning oh so many years. And because I have spent so much actual time pregnant (past 8 months notwithstanding), it's been even more impossible to climb out of this trench.
You know, lately, I've been so angry at not falling pregnant as easily as I used to, but in fact it could be a blessing in disguise. I mean, fuck, there is no reason for me to expect any outcome from a pregnancy than another miscarriage (or worse). To find myself dug into an even deeper hole.
I need my life back. I need to re-engage with my old friends (though I was instructed to be a little less harsh on myself for being so MIA - this is, according to my therapist, the response of anyone dealing with trauma). I need to accept that I have no control over this facet of my life.
Can I still be a little angry about that? Sure, a little anger is okay because what has happened to me has been profoundly unfair. But lots of people are dealt all kinds of hands that are profoundly unfair. Including many of the people who read this blog.... so go ahead, be angry with me! We have earned it.
It has been and will continue to be a complete, unsolvable mystery, why these are the experiences I have lived. I cannot control them. I am waving the white flag on RPL and infertility.