What you don't know hopefully won't kill you.

So, my first betas were interesting but as anyone who has been in my shoes knows are not terribly helpful in the long-term.  I learned that at 15 or 16 days past ovulation, I had an hcg level of 371.  That's actually pretty decent.  Dr. K said she was hoping to see a level between 50 and 100.  My progesterone was a solid 40 (albeit with supplementation), also good.

I had repeat labs performed yesterday morning.  For the uninitiated, it's important for that number to double in 48 hours.

Now some people quibble and say that it should rise 60% in 48 hours, or it could double in as many as 72 hours and still be a viable pregnancy.  But I am of the "don't kid yourself school" of betas.  In my experience, when my hcg level rises well, I have a pregnancy that is progressing.  When it doesn't, I miscarry.  None of this "up to 72 hour doubling" business for me.  In fact, my blood pressure rises just a little when I read women on the boards setting themselves up for heartache.  Yes, you could beat the odds, you could be a member of the small percentage of women carrying healthy pregnancies despite poorly rising hcg levels.  More likely though, your pregnancy is going to have a poor outcome.

I know that last sentence might sound cold, sound cruel.  But 5 consecutive pregnancies has taught me the value of cold, hard pragmatism.

I have been stuck in meetings all day, but kept my phone at my side at every second of the day, waiting for this most important call.  And no one called.  And when I finally got out of meetings at 4:15pm, I called my REs office.  And they were closed. Of course they were.

And so here I sit, with no fucking clue whether this pregnancy is doomed before it even gets off the ground.  Typical.

I am going to try to comfort myself with the fact that this point in time my last pregnancy, I hadn't even had blood labs done.  In fact, I was sitting on a beach enjoying my summer vacation.  There's nothing I can do to change the outcome of any of this.  All I can do is take my vitamins and continue to convince myself of a happy future regardless of the outcome of this particular ride on the pregnancy crazy train.

At least I see my therapist tomorrow.