I'll tell ya. I would feel so much better about this pregnancy if I were throwing up.
Yup, you read that right. I get the slightest wave of maybe sorta kinda nausea, and then it's gone and then I am bracing myself for another miscarriage.
My two successful pregnancies (and I count Celine among the successes with Niblet, because she was genetically healthy) I was pretty fucking sick. I feel like I should be sick right now if this were going well.
I would sleep much better at night if I was feeling wretched. And this tidbit of fucked-up-edness is exactly why pregnancy is so traumatic for me.
Just so you know, my acupuncturist worked valiantly to ease this worry. My "pregnancy pulse" she said, sent "shivers down her spine" because it was so strong. Perhaps, she mused, I am carrying a boy.
I miss the days when I was normal. When I could get two lines on a stick, then get doubling betas, and start to believe that maybe, just maybe, it would all progress with me developing a giant belly and ultimately holding a baby in my arms. But I'm not normal and nothing in my history will allow me to fool myself into thinking I am.
So I wait.