Saturday, October 25, 2014


I start back at work on Monday.  I have mixed feelings enough about returning to work after a weekend, let alone after a week of recuperation.  My job is stressful.  Satisfying, occasionally fun (because my co-workers rock), but stressful.  As a researcher I am quite literally paid to think for a living.  And the job is time consuming, I often have to bring work home.  Mainly I am hoping I can avoid crying at my desk.  That seems like a good goal.

I have scheduled upcoming acupuncture and therapy appointments. See how proactive I am about healing?  I should pat myself on the head.  My new therapist describes herself as an addition to my health "posse" - a new tool in my "arsenal" for coping.  Hmmm.  Apparently I am such a mess that I need a team behind me. Ponder that for a minute.

I have also started taking vitamins and supplements again....Wait, what?  "Justonemore you fucking nutcase, are you seriously considering trying again for another baby a week after your surgery?" ask my readers.  Well, no, not quite.  See, here's my conundrum: I am not one of the lucky people out there who can stop popping pills and supplements and get miraculously and spontaneously pregnant and cross my fingers that it will work out fine.  I have to look at the cold hard truth about my body and my brain.  Would I be able to function if I suddenly found myself knocked up without a regimen of methylfolate and Co-Q 10 and Vitamin D behind me?  Likely not. 

How can I put this another way...ok, here goes:  I am taking my supplements and prenatals and drinking my wheatgrass again because IF I get pregnant again (which may not be likely, but is certainly possible, considering fertility after miscarriage and my history) - and miscarry (as I would only come to expect right now) I will be less likely to blame myself. 

See, proactive.  My face might as well be next to the word in the dictionary.

My therapist tells me that "what ifs" are poison to me.  What if I do get pregnant?  What if I can't?    My first exercise is to eliminate the what if and trade it for a "so what" can see why I am a great candidate for therapy, right?  So much of my stability right now depends on being able to internalize the following sentence:

So what if Niblet is our only child.

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