My husband is deeply private. It's part of the reason you will likely never see our pictures or names on this blog (the other part being my desire to protect Niblet's anonymity).
But last night, in a bout of insomnia, I started reading my posts, like a book. And I realized that I haven't done him justice. Or our marriage really.... I mean, it's implicit that he's there in the background, because honestly, who the fuck could survive these hits without a partner supporting them? I don't know, but at about 3 am, I felt this compulsion to put down for posterity how it is that I am even functional right now. And why my decisions involve so much more than just me. Or Niblet. Or my husband himself. We are the sum of our parts.
And now I am stumped for words. Go figure. So I will try to draw a picture for my readers as a jumping off point. I fell in love with and married a guy who is essentially a Viking. He is physically huge. Blond. I am short and brunette (depending on the day). I am often described as "bubbly" (I know, it's hard to believe from the tone of this blog over the years....that's a post for another day). I am also an open worrier, a hand-wringer, dramatic. He is stoic and reserved. To say he is the Yin to my Yang is the worst kind of cliche, but it's true. I have long believed that we compliment each other in ways that truly do make us better versions of ourselves.
And we produced Niblet. Like I said, I'll never post a picture, but take my word for it, she is a complete composite of us, and cute as I think we are, she is stunning. Blond, like her dad, so people are quick to say she looks like him.... and then they look closer and realize, whoa, genetics is a funny thing, she has my eyes, and my smile. We often can't believe we brought such a miracle into the world. I'd like to think that every parent thinks about their offspring the way we do. I think in so many ways, our drive to have another baby - compulsion at times - stems from the pure joy of her. Who wouldn't want another?
I wasn't alone in my insomnia last night at 2 am. And while part of me felt absolutely fucking awful that the love of my life was tossing and turning next to me, another part took great comfort in the fact that I wasn't alone in my thoughts and grief. And while I was frustrated and angry as the clocked ticked on....3....4....5am....I felt hopeful for our lives past this car wreck of a situation. And that is our marriage.