I want to throw out to anyone who has been reading my musings, that I am so incredibly thankful to have the support of so many people right now. I can palpably *feel* the compassion that is being sent our way, and it means more to me than I can express right now.
In the midst of chaos there is routine. Niblet needs her mother to dress her, feed her, pack her lunches, take her to school, hug her, look over her homework, read to her, hug her more. Our house needs to be cleaned, our fridge needs food and meals have to be cooked. I have a job outside of our home that needs attending to, emails that need to be checked (though I have taken days off from work for anyone wondering). I guess I can say I function on autopilot.
And a new addition to my routine will be therapy. I can no longer walk this journey without the help of a mental health professional. Perhaps I've needed one all along, I guess I will find out soon, I start in two days. I only know that nighttime is the worst time. I am lucky to have a support network of friends and family, I know so many don't. I am lucky to have the safe space to cry in, safe shoulders to cry on, and the deep understanding from years of losses that I can cry for as long as I need to. But those hours when I lie down to sleep, after I have tucked Niblet in are the worst. The absolute worst. The panic and anxiety attacks are very real, and the turnings of my brain and resulting insomnia make it very difficult to even function on autopilot. I am out of my depth in dealing with them. So I call "uncle" - I need help and hopefully will get it.