Wednesday, June 25, 2014

exactly how much worse could that have gone, well, gee I don't know.

Oh. My. God. This is aproaching David and Goliath. Sisiphus pushing a fucking rock.  Little engine that can't. I am feeling more and more doomed by the second.

So, that hinky fallopian tube we discovered on the HSG?  Yeah, nice to get such a fleshed out explanation on that Dr. K.  Not.  It turns out there could be fucking scar tissue on it. Based on the image I saw, the dye flushed through my uterus was stuck in one tube, though there was some space for it to come out.  Dr. B recommends removing the tube entirely because IF there is scar tissue it could cause fluid to pool in my uterus and impede implantation, like 50% of the time.  Or even better, jack up my percentages of an ectopic pregnancy to 10%.

This means that even if I had one million dollars to spend on donor eggs (more on that later), without surgery the IVF could truly fail, despite the "beautiful uterus" Dr Cuddles used to wax rhapsodic about.  Smack my fucking head.  But wait! Surgery (which would have to be laparoscopic because god forbid anything be easy) could cause more scarring to form, because ya'll, according to Dr. Genius I appear to be prone to scarring.

You know, I steeled myself to enter into this consult fully expecting a cloud of doom about my FSH.  Well, sure my FSH is elevated and my fertility will start to decline fast, but this deeper explanation about my fallopian tube honestly sent me over the edge.

I am so fucking tired.  Ridiculously tired.  Since our cray cray idea of giving Niblet a sibling began, I have experienced FIVE surgeries, THREE miscarriages and COUNTLESS invasive, painful tests.  I have donated somewhere along the lines of hundreds of vials of blood towards the endeavor.And I have nothing to show for it but heartache.

And the donor egg pitch, oh wow, don't get me started on my ability to choose eggs from women who are interested in the arts or sports.  All for a starting price of $14,000 a cycle (none of which would be covered by insurance).  It made my head spin.

I feel incredibly unsettled right now -  and yet, I also have a really clear visualization of my next steps.  I have to get a second opinion.  I have to request all of my medical records, including the HSG slides from this clinic.  And with those records I have to run - not walk - to a Dr who treats higher-fsh patients without pitching the virtues of carefully screened egg donors.  Egg donation can be on the table years from now, assuming my uterus doesn't further deteriorate, but my insurance covers one more IUI and three cycles of IVF, and meds up to 90% all using my own eggs.  I have to see what an RE who deals with cases like mine would say, particularly about the need for more surgery. 'Cause I've had a ton of problems reproductively, but implantation has never been one of them.  Miscarriage due to chromosomal problems has.  Do I hedge my bets on this one?

My AMH was never retested because according to Dr B that number doesn't fluctuate as wildly as FSH.  My AMH is currently about .60.  Low, definitely.  But not undetectable.  There are still eggs in my ovaries dammit, and I am determined to find one of the good ones.

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