As I head down the final stretch of yet another two-week-wait I am really trying to do a better job of keeping my wits about me. Last month's emotional meltdowns were, well, really fucking exhausting.
Also, as many babycenter lurkers know, October 15th is National Infant Loss Awareness Day. Many virtual friends will be wearing ribbons, lighting candles, attending walks and vigils.... I just learned that I will be getting my yearly employee evaluation that day. Nice timing universe, the last thing that will be on my mind will be my fertility. So really (!) nice timing universe. I now acutely understand the mixed emotions that come with a day of recognition. On the one hand, I am heartened that people have a public forum to acknowledge the real losses they have experienced. On the other hand, my miscarriages are carried with me on a daily basis.
This month I am trying to be physically proactive about beating back the depression that will inevitably creep in when I pee on sticks and get big fat negatives (BFNs for any random readers unfamiliar with fertility speak). I'm taking a ballet class this week, because you can't possibly think about your shriveling old eggs and the weight of your own mortality when you're trying to execute pirouettes, I promise you.
And next week I have an interesting new addition to the justonemorebaby wellness regime, acupuncture. There's reams of (virtual) literature out there about the benefits of needles directing blood flow to your uterus, unblock your chi, stimulating hidden superpowers (can mine involve vacuuming?) and whatever the fuck else they do.* I mean, it can't hurt, and I am one of the lucky few in the US whose employer covers it, so cost isn't an excuse. Why the hell not, right? I have heard that quite simply, it makes you feel good, and that's as good a reason as any for anything in my book.
For those who are wondering, other elements of the justonemorebaby wellness plan include a daily dose of (VERY EXPESNIVE) Co-Q 10 supplements and prenatals. Co-Q 10, for the uninitiated, is like, the magical wonder vitamin, so if Co-Q 10 can't help me, nothing can. Oh, and I have also significantly scaled back my caffeine intake. I haven't completely eliminated it, mind you, because I would like to have a few friends and family members want to take care of me in my old age. I'm sort of like the Hulk while operating sans tasty stimulant (albeit shorter and not green) in this respect - "Please don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
*I say this will all due respect to practitioners and believers in Eastern Medicine. No really, I'm not being facetious here, my Dad is - no shit - a tai chi master - and I will take the advice of an experienced acupuncturist, over the advice of dipwads who couldn't figure out that my cervix was sealed shut, ANY day.