Friday, January 20, 2017

I've gotta secret

My therapist/grief counselor and I had a lengthy talk about what I think will be near the top of the list for the most difficult aspect of a future IVF cycle:  the Secrecy.

My PBFAW (pregnant best friend at work) divulged her latest soon-to-arrive baby at 7 weeks.  Read that:  SEVEN WEEKS.

Oh my god, what must it feel like, to be so confident that nothing can go wrong, that you are comfortable with your colleagues knowing?  I didn't even come close to sharing the impending arrival of the Nibble until around 12 weeks.  And that was because the Viking fucking outed me at a party where I wasn't slamming down the gin and tonics (thanks Dude).  And Whoa.  I am sitting here imagining how I hide a pregnancy - if I am so lucky - until a 20 week anatomy scan.  I'm sorry fashion mavens on bbc boards, but oversized sweaters and brightly colored scarves are not the answer you seem to think they are.

Then there's all of the other secrecy.  The shots (lupron probably, and progesterone), the monitoring, the scans the blood draws.  I've done this before (well, without the shots), and I can probably do it again.  But I've also gained a higher profile in my office since my last later loss at 11 weeks, because well,I've gotten very good at my job.

And then there's the nibble.  Hiding all of this bullshit from her.  God, good luck to me, she's nosy as all fuck and quite the detective, unsurprising given her newfound love for Nancy Drew.

Yeah, it's times like this that I wish I had the luxury to quit my job.  Now, I don't personally know anyone who ever had this option, not in the circles I run in, but strangely this is a phenomenon, maybe on the upper east side of NYC, the women who eliminate their stressful careers to cycle?  God Bless em, every one.  I am seething with jealousy, but hats off to you sister.

I have been feeling anxious about all of the work that maybe won't get done in all of this.  My concentration skills have fallen to shit as it is with the insanity of the logistics of DE, but I am fairly sure the lead-up to - and potential for - an actual pregnancy - will make me a pretty crappy employee of the giant mission-driven organization I work for.  My therapist was actually a bit helpful here:  You've given them enough.  

But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Yeah, let's slow down here.  OK, one step at a time. 

I've got a secret step one:  Withing the next few weeks I will be signing a contract with a talented anonymous egg donor who has beautiful big brown eyes, and will lay down fourteen thousand dollars to purchase eight of her eggs after she undergoes an IVF cycle.


  1. OMG!!! I've been off of the blogs for awhile (I don't like how me blogger doesn't show the reading list as default) but I am SOOOO excited for you! Wishing you so much luck :)