Monday, August 29, 2016

The aftermath - Part 1

So it's an unsurprisingly fucked up feeling in the pit of your stomach when a medium tells you that you are not going to have any biological children and then later emails you a homeopathic remedy for grief.  All of this, the day before you are supposed to take a relaxing beach vacation.  Ha Ha.

So what do you do?  You cry a little, you focus for a few minutes on some of the career advice you also received in the same session.  Your head is spinning, literally spinning.  You try to compartmentalize, pull yourself together and put on a happy face.  And then because you're trained as a lawyer, of course you sit, and ponder, and look for loopholes.

For example, there was that moment when she emphatically noted that miracles happen every day (you raised Niblet's miracle obsession).... but was clear to advise that you try to eliminate this thinking from Niblet, because it could be harmful.  Since it's harmful for Niblet, it's probably also harmful for you.  By definition, miracles aren't something you should focus on.  So no loophole here. Move along. 

But your brain is still ticking away.... Baby. Baby. Baby.  You are almost obsessed now, you are just craving a baby.  Maybe it's because we all want want we cannot have.  But you also know that when you return to your fertile office, like, everyone will be pregnant.  And it will just HURT.

So back to loopholes.... there's the whole issue of biological children and the closed door.... for the first time in the five years of going through this, you wonder, really deeply wonder - leaving aside the potential  financial ruin - would you consider a donor egg?  Do you need a follow-up conversation with this medium?  Is this a path that your soul would consider cheating?  Because maybe your husband could still have a biological child, couldn't he?  Maybe?  Maybe not?  Is he doomed too?  Are you doomed to lose all pregnancies, or just the ones with your biological imprint?

So you get off the phone, and the first thing you do while your daughter watches cartoons, is start perusing the online info available on egg banks.  You start looking at donor info out there for public view, comparing the costs of Fresh cycles vs FET.  You think long and hard about your father's younger cousin on the west coast, who has a large family with his beautiful - albeit older - wife.  Their four children all look like him and my great-aunt.  This isn't unprecedented in your family.

Are you crazy?  Should you just curl up into a ball and drink your grief remedy?

1 comment:

  1. I've been waiting for your follow up. Hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. I am still searching for peace, wanting to get off this IF train and not able or ready to give up the dream. It's very isolating and I'm proceeding at the expense of my mental health. I would be crushed if a medium/spirit guide told me it was over, so I hope you are okay. Am still on BBC; if you need a sounding board, PAN.