The aftermath - Part 1

So it's an unsurprisingly fucked up feeling in the pit of your stomach when a medium tells you that you are not going to have any biological children and then later emails you a homeopathic remedy for grief.  All of this, the day before you are supposed to take a relaxing beach vacation.  Ha Ha.

So what do you do?  You cry a little, you focus for a few minutes on some of the career advice you also received in the same session.  Your head is spinning, literally spinning.  You try to compartmentalize, pull yourself together and put on a happy face.  And then because you're trained as a lawyer, of course you sit, and ponder, and look for loopholes.

For example, there was that moment when she emphatically noted that miracles happen every day (you raised Niblet's miracle obsession).... but was clear to advise that you try to eliminate this thinking from Niblet, because it could be harmful.  Since it's harmful for Niblet, it's probably also harmful for you.  By definition, miracles aren't something you should focus on.  So no loophole here. Move along. 

But your brain is still ticking away.... Baby. Baby. Baby.  You are almost obsessed now, you are just craving a baby.  Maybe it's because we all want want we cannot have.  But you also know that when you return to your fertile office, like, everyone will be pregnant.  And it will just HURT.

So back to loopholes.... there's the whole issue of biological children and the closed door.... for the first time in the five years of going through this, you wonder, really deeply wonder - leaving aside the potential  financial ruin - would you consider a donor egg?  Do you need a follow-up conversation with this medium?  Is this a path that your soul would consider cheating?  Because maybe your husband could still have a biological child, couldn't he?  Maybe?  Maybe not?  Is he doomed too?  Are you doomed to lose all pregnancies, or just the ones with your biological imprint?

So you get off the phone, and the first thing you do while your daughter watches cartoons, is start perusing the online info available on egg banks.  You start looking at donor info out there for public view, comparing the costs of Fresh cycles vs FET.  You think long and hard about your father's younger cousin on the west coast, who has a large family with his beautiful - albeit older - wife.  Their four children all look like him and my great-aunt.  This isn't unprecedented in your family.

Are you crazy?  Should you just curl up into a ball and drink your grief remedy?

To be continued

So I am headed to the beach.

I have so much to write about my experience with a woman who I can only describe as a spirit guide. But I am frankly still processing all of it and need to unplug for a while.

Bear with me lovely readers, I will be back soon. Peace out.

"That door has closed"

This is fascinating.  I see very clearly that your soul, and [Viking] and [Niblet]'s souls - all three of you - had what I call a "contract" with another spirit to enter your family.  But somehow, that contract wasn't honored.  And now your souls have set forward for new goals for your family unit.  Everyone is ready to move on to being a family of three.

... He needs to understand what miscarriages do to you.  You have not adequately conveyed the depth of the losses.  The hormonal swings.....Your body cannot handle another loss or another aborted pregnancy of a very sick baby.  I am not saying that there is a door closed to adoption, or bringing in another member to your family that way, but biologically, that door has closed.

Do I look like a midwife to you?

Most days are fine. But some days.... yeah, some days, you really don't want to be the person to listen to your best friend vent about morning sickness (and you go an order them ginger candies you know are awesome on amazon.... but you secretly wish that someone else - like her husband - would have the foresight to do it instead).  And those other office break room conversations, like, with the other pregnant lady who is concerned about gestational diabetes where you try to talk her off the cliff, and the one who is now entering the third trimester and experiencing back pain - yeah, I wish someone would take those for the team too.

One of my readers noted that anyone who wants to get knocked up should work in my office.  It's true.  There are three pregnant women here (that I know of).

Thank god I am taking a vacation in a few weeks.  I think fourteen straight days of not being in this office and serving as the kindly resident expert on pregnancy will do something positive for my psyche.