Thursday, September 17, 2015

stress bad.

So it's been another month and I am going to bet a million dollars I am not pregnant again.  This is the fifth cycle in a row.  What's changed?  When did I become infertile, or at least, less than super-fertile?  Well, there's always the possibility that my eggs are really acting like 41 year old eggs, for one.

But I am also stressed out.  REALLY stressed out.  Much moreso than usual.  Work has been insane, I haven't been able to get home until well after 8pm for the last three nights.  I have been traveling all over creation for my job, trying to put out our organization's equivalent of fires.  I have started taking melatonin to address the inability to fall asleep once Niblet is tucked in because when I finally crawl into bed I am exhausted, but too wired and jacked up to sleep.

So, me being me, it's time to have an action plan.  Baby or not, I can't live this way:
1. Eat better.  Fried foods bad.  Seriously, this is tough to do when you're on the road as much as I have been, but my diet has completely fallen off the wagon.Throw in fertility foods to fool myself into thinking I am being proactive.  I am adding the wheatgrass shots back in.  I'll snack on almonds.  I'll cut back on the dairy and gluten.  Whatever, it can't hurt.
2. Sleep better. Melatonin good.
3. Yoga.  I could always commit to breaking this out again.
4. Dance good.

I always read these anecdotes of the women who gave up their stressful careers and found themselves pregnant/found the time to accommodate IVF cycles/created new and wonderful spaces for a baby to enter their lives.  Well, look, that's just not possible for me.  I love what I do, I fight for poor workers and someone pays me relatively well for it.  I am also very good at it.  I also, like, need to pay our bills, so it's not gonna happen.

The saddest fucking part of it all is that one of the reasons I took this job was because they offered six months of maternity leave.  Gah.

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