This weekend we spent some time with some friends of my husband's that we hadn't seen in over 2 years.
Our friends with the shy toddler suddenly had a shy five year old who became Niblet's bestie in the course of a few hours.
Our two friends, the brothers/musicians (whose band we traveled to see) who appeared at the bar - one with an extra baby in tow, the other now single after a relationship ended with a long-time girlfriend.
Another friend who quit her job, became a free lancer who works from home, and then dropped forty pounds, rendering her virtually unrecognizable at first glance.
"I'm so sorry," I said to my husband with tears in my eyes.
"Sorry for what?"
"Sorry that my body kept losing your babies. And sorry that because of it you lost so much time with your friends in the past three years."
Hugs and assurances that I was not only irrational, but deeply wrong, ensued. And I know that none of this is my fault.
But having that rational understanding that life throws you lemons doesn't change the gravity of the loss. And the keen awareness that somehow, the world has continued to turn while you're living in an endless loop.
Our lives have been upended by recurrent pregnancy loss. All of the beach vacations, yoga classes, dance therapy, talk therapy, aromatherapy, acupuncture and massage in the world doesn't change that.