I realize that I have been completely MIA in the week following my D&C. I wanted to let my readers know that I am actually doing relatively well and have been spending a great deal of time trying to fully process this latest chapter in my fertility history.
The day of the D&C, due to a series of logistical snafus with my own husband and family, I depended upon the help of my pregnant best friend at work (PBFAW). All I can say is that the universe was really wonderful to put this woman in my path.
Very few people in real life (IRL) have a clue as to what I struggle with on a daily basis. Part of that cluelessness, I am sure, is that people carry their own silent struggles which could be as bad or worse than mine....Part of it may be a testament to my own personality quirks (in the words of my acupuncturist, "I am larger than life.") I am, friends, very very good at shoving down bad things into the darkest recesses of my brain, so that I can function well. As an example, two days before my surgery I gave a presentation at my office that culminated in accolades from the Executive Vice President of my organization. I'm a fucking whiz at compartmentalizing.
I also recognize though, that shoving grief and anxiety down into some corner of your body will lead to a very sick person. I mean physically sick. So the coming weeks I am working hard to get to get back to that warm and fuzzy place I have visited before. That sweet spot where my weight is under control, where I exercise regularly, where I fit in visits to my therapist, acupuncturist and maybe an extra massage while I am at it.
My wonderful parents, who are in town to watch Niblet while she is on Spring Break from school, seem to believe that stress related to my job is the cause of my woes. Doesn't stress change your estrogen levels, queried my Mom? "Sophia Loren had miscarriages until she was told to quit working," said my Dad in my truly what the fuck moment of the morning. It took everything I had not to explode at him, and I hope I was able to calmly convey that "No, while high cortisol levels aren't good for pregnancy, they don't cause eggs to carry trisomies." I realized (again) this morning that my parents still don't understand the RPL I am faced with. How could they? Fucking doctors have no answers. I felt like I had to explain for the tenth time that my pregnancies have mostly failed because they are chromosomally abnormal. As I said to my Mom, "I could live on a beach in Hawa'ii right now and I would still be miscarrying. A baby with Trisomy 14 isn't going to survive (pulling a random trisomy from miscarriage #2)"
Do I still believe that not enough is understood about MTHFR and the mutation I carry and whether there is a reason my egg quality has been so spectacularly bad, even in my thirties? Sure. That's why I am back on my supplement regimen. But do I also believe that it will take more than a little bit of luck for me to ever carry a healthy baby? Unfortunately, Yes.