Monday, April 20, 2015

low visibility

I write this likely typo-ridden post as I sit on an Amtrak train.  It is crazy early in the morning.

Celine was supposed to arrive today, and her estimated due date is being marked by my required attendance at a meeting in New York City. In my mind's eye I had imagined maybe planting a tree for her, a plan that would have been marred by the torrential downpours along the east coast. So instead I sit here and fiddle with the jewelry I bought as tokens of remembrance.

This morning, a little over two weeks after my D&C, I woke up to stabbing pains on my left ovary. The rains today are fitting. Driving to the train station in the dark this morning the streets were flooded and treacherous.  Everything outside is murky and washed out.

I think that what I want most right this morning -given that holding my baby girl in my arms isn't on the table- is an understanding.  Some clarity about my future. Will the remaining last gasp years of my fertility be marked by mourning and only mourning? Am I living some weird endless loop?

I am coming to terms with a future where Niblet is an only child. I am giving my best effort to bring Nibley to that understanding as well. A few days ago, in the best language I could conjure for a six year old, I asked her to understand that Mommy will likely never have another baby....but that together we could always wish for a miracle.

This conversation was prompted by another one of her plaintive cries for a baby sibling a few days ago and our talk, snuggled together on the sofa, wound it's way through appreciation of our existing lives, religion, and the existence of God(?)

This morning I woke up at 5am to make my train. Niblet -who usually sleeps like a log- was up with me hugging me and begging me not to go...Celine was not primary on my mind. Instead I had to calm Niblet and then concentrate on not getting washed away on the roads.

Is it too corny to say that these rains are like my tears?  Bear with my lack of cool poetry. All I can say is that the cloudy skies and rain do feel strangely fitting today.

1 comment:

  1. The EDD is SO HARD. I am sorry you're likely working rather than reading this message. I hope the day is as easy as possible for you.
    I also wanted a glimpse into the future to see myself at the end of fertility road. If only it was possible- even if I never managed one (I do now have a son) it would have hurt less to KNOW it wouldn't happen. Good luck to you and your family.