"Do you truly want to try again?" asked Dr. K. "Are you strong enough?"
Dr. K (with a resident RE in training in tow) was very kind this morning. "I am guessing that if you didn't already have one child, this would be even harder for you," she continued.
It's kind of awesome, talking to a doctor who is gentle, commanding, and also in your corner. There was no discussion of my AMA, my ancient eggs, anything to make me feel less than worthy of a baby. Dr. K made a suggestion that I truly believe was meant from a place of kindness: "Try to imagine your life with one child. You don't have to give up trying, but it will make the future less stressful for you if you take the pressure off."
I have been instructed not to consider IVF at the present time. My high FSH predicts few(er) eggs would be retrieved, and it's not worth subjecting myself to the injections and pain while I am still finding myself pregnant naturally. She WAS, however, very forceful in reiterating that my high FSH does NOT mean I cannot get pregnant (obviously, given that I was pregnant with the elusive "good egg" the month after the evil lab work that had a clinic kick me to the curb). She will not test my FSH again because she thinks it will only add to my general state of stress and despondency.
So, my instructions were to continue trying, with higher doses of folic acid (which I will be substituting with the methylfolate version). Dr. K will monitor my next pregnancy with as many early ultrasounds as I need to stay calm. I suppose the best thing that could come out of a meeting with an RE after a pregnancy loss is their belief that you could end up back in their office knocked up again. So there's that.
The biggest smile of the consultation came when I asked about my hinky tube though....
"In June I had an HSG and there was a late spill from my left tube. I was told this significantly heightened my risk for an ectopic pregnancy."
"Bullshit" said Dr. K. My eyebrows lifted up.
"Actually," I continued, "I was told the tube should be removed before I even consider trying to get pregnant."
"Bullshit," she repeated. "That's total bullshit. A late spill is often the result of the apparatus not inserted correctly." (I quickly recalled a different Dr. K jamming a catheter in me). "Have you ever had a pregnancy that wasn't intrauterine" she said, smiling.
I grinned back. "Well, there's one less thing I have to worry about."
"You've had enough to worry about."