Tuesday, June 27, 2017

The waiting in between anxiety in between the waiting

Today I'm 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  At least, I am going to assume I am still pregnant, since I haven't had anything resembling a scan for about two weeks, and I won't be getting any additional proof that this baby is still alive until after the Fourth of July holiday (Thursday the 6th, to be precise).

Saturday I woke up and felt amazing.  Maybe this is the week the placenta takes over and I start feeling great?  I took a relatively easy ballet class, ate a brunch with lots of flavor and nutrients, took the Nibble out for ice cream... and then needed to get home to pass out cold.  Like the narcoleptic I have been the past few weeks.

This week, it's been a mixed bag of nausea, the desire for real food, and then last night, some insane bloating that I shit you not, created a stomach on me that looked 6 months pregnant. I jumped in a bath (not too hot, don't worry), threw in some lavender oil, and an hour later re-emerged feeling a little better, with the ability to put on a pair of pants.

Is this baby a boy?  A girl?  Dead?  Still developing?  Developing normally?

Last night I was on the phone with a colleague, "O," going through some work related stress and bullshit that just shouldn't be.  She is awesome and brilliant, a great sounding board.... we've worked together on a campaign for the last three years, but I've never told her anything of this hidden life.  My story has always been "I've got some medical issues I have to deal with."  Well, last night, I told her a little more of the story.  We were talking about the need to shake off our work, be home for our children in the summer, be present in our marriages, not become martyrs to the mission-driven insanity of our work culture....it just blurted out of me:

Can I tell you something I've never told you?  All of my health issues these three years?  They've been miscarriages.  Eight of them.  Yes, eight.  And now I'm pregnant again.  And who the hell knows if it's gonna be a ninth miscarriage.  And I just want to not be additionally stressed by this fucking job.

Pregnancy after loss(es) is living at the edge of a glacier, facing the abyss.

Sure, work's been a little stressful, but it's got nothing on this.


  1. Hiding happiness comes at a price. With all your losses, I can totally understand not wanting to put yourself out there to open your pain to others. You are brave to share. Feeling like someone will be beside you is comforting should there be a happy ending or sad outcome here. Hugs from afar. My 6 wk u/s showed a HB today. I am sharing now because I have felt like hiding happiness can be a terrible second job. May this road have an aborable, smart, poop filled bundle at the end! Congrats! I read your blog high and low the night I sat up miscarrying hoping it was not ectopic and I was gonna die...hours befor my scheduled u/s. You inspire me! I hope so much this journey is uneventful!!!! Rigelmom511

    1. Oh Stephanie, I am so relieved for you, that's awesome. May both of our pregnancies be uneventful. To say we've had enough events in our lives is an understatement.