Wednesday, March 2, 2016

my only regret

I've mentioned before, Niblet's infancy was sort of brutal.  Other words come to mind.  Colic.  PPD.  Helplessness. 

She didn't sleep through the night until she was completely weaned, at 12 months.

But she was the loveliest baby in the world.  The kind of baby that made people stop us in the street and ask me "Is that YOUR baby?" (because she looked so much like her father, and I guess being much darker than her that I looked like, I don't know, her nanny?  Jesus.).

And I remember having a good friend over when she was maybe one year old, and she actually cruised over to a stack of books and picked one out for him to read to her. And we looked at each other like, seriously?  because we knew that she knew this was her favorite book and there was something so ridiculously cool about a baby with reading preferences.

I think I was present, well, as present as a full-time-working mom outside the home can be.  I tried to look at our midnight and 2 am nursing sessions as bonding.  I tried finding a new job immediately after she was born because we struggled with my 3 hour commute.  It took me two years to land a job in my own town.  My home life was consumed with her, but I missed a whole fucking lot. 

I had no idea those first one or two years of her life that she would be the only baby I ever mother.  The thought never occurred to me.  In fact, the only thing I used to think was, "next time I will be home more.  Next time I will be sitting in a new job, 15 minutes from my house.  Next time I won't be hustling her to daycare for the longest days."

But there won't be a next time.  And my one regret is not imagining that possibility, while I held her.

13 comments:

  1. Oh I completely get it. I have so many regrets, mostly regretting not appreciating how wonderful it all was cuz it was exhausting at the same time. I wish I could nurse a baby one more time, even though it hurt like hell sometimes. I wish I could buy baby clothes again. It's sad walking down those baby aisles these days. I wish things were different. I wish I could have a do over. I just wish I was happier.

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  2. You had no way of knowing. I've always assumed I'd have a baby easily. I am moving towards accepting that it may not happen for me. So many regrets, and I don't have as much fight in me as you have.

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    1. And we also mourn the loss of our more innocent selves...

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    2. Please let's not compare how much fight any of us has. I think anyone who found this blog because they shared any of these experiences is a warrior. And a thousand yesses, I agree, I feel like I have lost all of my youth and innocence. My entire worldview has been shattered. So many hugs to you. XO

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    3. It's strange...babies are almost promised to women from a very young age. If I believed in god, I'd say she'd betrayed me.

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    5. If I believed in God, I would agree with you. I think you have been royally fucked by the universe. I also think that it's compounded because of the terrible reactions given to women trying to bear a child who are unable to. From the "why don't you just...." responses, to the inability to allow grieving. And all of this leads women to suffer silently. Myself included - as I highlight the anonymity of this blog. I have literally developed a fully-formed public persona to grapple with the grief and feelings of betrayal with others.
      All of that said, if you are starting to lose hope, please let me take on the energy of hoping for you. I may be giving up on myself, but I fully believe in the ability for you to get struck with some random good luck for a change.

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    6. It's not so much losing hope as it is losing strength. I know if I keep down this path, there will be a lot of heartache before I come out on the other side. My mental health is poor. Not sure if I can do it.

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    7. It's not so much losing hope as it is losing strength. I know if I keep down this path, there will be a lot of heartache before I come out on the other side. My mental health is poor. Not sure if I can do it.

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  3. You had no way of knowing. I've always assumed I'd have a baby easily. I am moving towards accepting that it may not happen for me. So many regrets, and I don't have as much fight in me as you have.

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  4. Oh the next times. I would have theoretically been such an amazing mother the second time around. All the lessons I learned, all the things I now knew. I guess I'll just have to stick with giving unwelcome advice to pregnant chicks who really don't want to hear it. Whatevs.

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    1. I am totally that woman. And unapologetic about it.

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