So as always, my therapist was a great sounding board. And here's where I am at:
I am going to continue NTNP for the next few cycles, three to be specific. We'll just keep doing what we're doing.
If I am not pregnant by January, I will do a cycle with the leftover clomid I've stored in my house. I have two packs, so I can do a clomid cycle in January and one in February. Both would be un-monitored and well, kinda rogue. I have used clomid before, never had any serious side effects or complaints. I even had a pregnancy off of one of those cycles.
I turn 42 in March. If I'm not pregnant by then, well, I have had a good run.
Now, I don't want to be misunderstood. I'm not going on birth control or getting my tubes tied. We would never put my husband through a surgery. And since we actually like each other a whole lot, we'd likely still have plenty of sex during my fertile week.
But as of now, when I hit 42, I'm off the boards. No babycenter. Not even lurking. No more following other women's fertility struggles on a semi-regular basis. Maintain my friendships with many individual woman I have had the luck to develop friendships with over the years? Absolutely. BUT, no more living vicariously through the miracle story of strangers on the interwebs who beat their crappy RPL/Asherman's/AMA odds. The days of daydreaming - of imagining myself as someone who could one day provide a success story - are over.
I'll also cut out some - though not all - of my supplements. I'm a mthfr-ing mutant after all.
Could I find myself pregnant after 42? Well of course I could. I don't look at 42 as particularly old. Fuck, I still pass for 35. And I certainly don't feel any baggage about a geriatric pregnancy (were two words ever more awful when placed side-by-side?)
But can I take another 4 years of this? Hell. No.
This feels right. For me, for my marriage, and for sweet Niblet. My miraculous mini-me.