Friday, October 16, 2015
My Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Let's see, I awoke on the 15th in another City and State, because I was attending a staff conference in NY.
What I thought the day might hold:
- Quiet introspection in my hotel room about my babies - so many babies - especially Celine. Maybe I would grab a cup of coffee and sit and watch people go by, before my 9:30 meeting.
How my day unfolded:
- At 8am I was brushing my teeth and one of my stacking rings fell down the hotel bathroom drain. I frantically called the concierge, ugly crying, bawling. Ten minutes later I opened the door to a Dominican maintenance dude who was out of his emotional depth and definitely not prepared to see such a hot sad blubbering mess wailing about a lost ring and dead baby. Thankfully he took the pipe apart, cleaned the tiny band with a face towel and handed it to me. And got a $20 bill for his efforts that he reluctantly accepted.
What I hoped the day might hold:
- Maybe I would feel some signs of pregnancy. Some sign of hope for something to rise from the ashes of this deep deep despair.
How the day actually unfolded:
- Despite my best efforts, I symptom spotted all day. Not a twinge of a feeling. Tested BFN last night (and again this morning). I am anywhere from 9 to 12 dpo? Either way, my fantasy of waking up tomorrow, on the anniversary of Celine's termination, with a new pregnancy is pretty much relegated to fantasy.