Not afraid

So it's been confirmed, I am having my fourth miscarriage (fifth loss).  Dr. K was really kind, and took more time than I've usually be given by any other doctor to explain what I should physically expect.  We talked about how this was likely a chromosomal issue that would be expected at my age. We talked about next steps if my body continued to fail me and cling to this doomed pregnancy.  She gave me her email address and told me to write her next week if this thing didn't get going, and understood why I didn't want another D&C.


She then sort of surprised me by asking some more questions about Celine.  "Yes, she was genetically normal," and I went on to explain how her physical defects were so much worse than usually seen in babies with omphaloceles.  Dr. K noted that she had seen a few babies like this carried to term, who had lifelong struggles with their hearts and their lungs, assuming they even made it.  "I think you made the right decision," she said looking deeply into my eyes.  It's funny, I have heard a number of doctors say this to me, but it meant a lot to hear this unusually nice RE offer her validation as well.


This past week I have spent a lot of time detaching from this pregnancy but thinking about my future.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It's a weird spot to be in to think about your next steps when you haven't really taken any steps at all.  I mean, I pretty much just find myself pregnant.  Sure, I am vaguely aware of when I ovulate, but that's about it.  For the past 9 months I have been working diligently to imagine our lives as is, with Niblet.  I think I have done a good job of it.  We don't save her clothes and have emptied our attic of baby items for some time now. 


I guess all of this is rambling to say, that well, I wouldn't be surprised if I were pregnant again.  That seems to be how my life goes.  I mean I could get thrown a curveball and suddenly find myself infertile, but I don't sense that as my future just yet.  And the real conclusion that I have come to about my future, is that I'm not afraid.


I have been a pretty functional human being for someone in my position this past week.  You've gotta just trust me on this.  Maybe this is the hardened shell that RPL-ers develop.  Maybe I'm a little stronger than the average person walking down the street.  Hell, maybe all of these years I've actually been a superhero, wouldn't that be cool.


On the boards I have come across a handful of women in my boat.  Not many who went through the specific hell and back that I emerged from after Celine, but certainly women in their early forties who lived through the hell of multiple early miscarriage after early miscarriage, plugging away until they found themselves pregnant with a genetically normal baby.


Maybe, if I can keep my weight down, keep my exercise up, keep taking vitamins that I really need as a MTHFR mutant, and keep getting pregnant, maybe - just maybe - I can get hit that lucky roll of the genetic dice again.  And maybe this baby wouldn't get struck by lightening.   I don't have a crystal ball.  I only know that I'm not done.  And I truly, deeply, madly believe that living my life without hope is far more destructive to me than just continuing to plug away, live my life, and hold on to that little strand of hope for as long as the ride takes me.