Thursday, November 6, 2014


As much as I like my therapist, I do feel like sometimes we are speaking in different languages.

"Oh, so you believe you will be pregnant again?" she said, almost joyfully, last night.
"Of course," I respond.  "I have little evidence to show that I won't be pregnant again. I just have very little reason to believe it will ever result in a healthy baby."

This conversation, which I feel like we've had a few times already, is why I am constantly asking her whether there's something inherently unhealthy about my drive to try again.

She keeps assuring me that I am merely trying to rewrite the ending to this chapter in my life.  And that doing so isn't crazy at all.

And I keep wondering how many more losses it will take for me to accept my tiny family of three.


  1. I can so relate to your post. I said those same words a year ago to a genetic councellor "I just have very little reason to believe it will ever result in a healthy baby" I was told after 3 miscarriages and chromosome abnormalities that it was just bad luck. I became afraid of getting pregnant with my own eggs and it took me a while to accept it and go the donor egg route. Feeling a bit more confidant with AA embryos created with donor eggs, I then had a chemical and a 5th miscarriage at 8 weeks. I know now it is the incompetence of doctors that has left me childless. Not bad luck.

    1. I am speechless with sorrow for you.
      Have you considered seeing Dr. Braverman in NYC? Or if you're closer to the west coast, the Beers clinic?I know these are incredibly expensive.... but I can think of two women off the top of my head right now who are finally carrying what may be successful pregnancies as a result of RI protocols. I know this isn't an easy fix by any stretch....and what's similarly awful about both of our situations is that most individual doctors would just say we have "bad luck" and only a few of the "renegades" out there actually believe that we might have an underlying - and treatable - problem. So many hugs sister.

  2. I emailed Dr Braverman a couple months ago. I am on the east coast in Maryland. He replied that he could help me. I have only had the NK cell test done so far. The panel of tests he requires is extensive. We have spent so much already on ivf with my eggs, then ivf with donor egg and now PGS. So my husband and I have decided that once they do the PGS on our 4 frozen embryos, it will give us a better idea which direction to go. If there are any chromosomally abnormal, then it will be somewhat of a relief. I had maternal cell contamination with my last miscarriage test which came back normal girl (which they said was most likely my cells). So we didn't know if it was my immune system. (my husband is now convinced his sperm might have been the problem all along).

    You are in my prayers everyday. What you are going through is heartbreaking. Gentle healing hugs for you

    1. Thank you, as you are in mine. I would be furious with a report of maternal cell contamination after everything you have been through. We should talk more. Email me here: (the email account I use for anonymity purposes :)