Mother's day

Thank god that day passed.

You know how you see instagram posts of moms going on solo hikes or getting adorable breakfasts made by their kids or even a fucking cup of coffee?

Yeah, this is decidedly not my life.  My family is beautiful, my husband a fundamentally good person, but, they just are incapable of rolling this way. I've never had the family that's like "Give mom a symbolic day of rest as appreciation" and I honestly have to just trudge through Mother's Day accepting that. All of the essays written on the emotional labor of motherhood, on the mental load, yeah, it me. The house simply does not function without my active participation and after 12 years, I've tacitly contributed to creating a monster(ous) situation. 

The morning started with S having a fever? Did I need to get her a COVID test? Oh wait, she doesn't have a fever? I spent an hour online without a goddamn cup of coffee searching for pediatric COVID testing in my area and I didn't really need to? Has anyone fed her? Changed her? She's just been watching sesame street for 3 hours? Oh. Ok.

Can I get just 45 minutes to do the physical therapy I need to do so my spine doesn't completely give out on me? Is anyone taking S outside so she will nap? No? Fine, I'll take her for a walk.

I get home and the husband is reading on the couch while the bigger child is watching TV. Is anyone going to figure out dinner? I honestly didn't eat lunch and got S and I shared a giant milkshake because no one has figured out lunch. I mean, don't get me wrong the ice cream was delicious but I'm hangry.

Oh cool, yes, I'd like food from good Szechuan restaurant. Can you take the toddler with you to go pick it up? Oh. She's crying because I'm not there. Ok. I'll just sit in the car as a passenger with all of you.

 

By 8 pm when the child surely did not nap and was a basket case, well, I was a basket case along with her.  Mom, said Niblet, why are you yelling and crying?

My cat is dying. I am fucking exhausted.  I haven't had an hour to myself today where I could just be. I haven't even gotten the chance to sit with her. She's not going to be with us soon, and I am sad and tired and I am not doing well. Unspoken here: All I can think about today is how many of my babies died. How we got Princess after I lost Celine and she curled up my my belly for five future babies, and only one of them is alive today. 

Niblet took over bedtime books. I went up to the attic where I found Princess.  I just lay next to her and cried.

I'm often accused of being passive-aggressive and not being straight about what I want. I honestly don't care. We both deserved better on a lazy Sunday.