What if I waited too long? What if the delicate balance we have in our household - one where Niblet has undivided attention - will be destroyed with another little person?
I have long said that I wanted a baby because I want a baby, but what would this do to Niblet? She has always wanted a sibling. But she is now almost 8. She thinks she wants to love another little person in our home - that a sibling, even a baby, would just mean another soul to love. Just yesterday, she expressed that she would love to "teach a baby all kinds of things." But any adult could tell her that her life would change. She would be a part of a larger unit. She would no longer live the only life she's known as an only child.
Let me say at the outset that I don't believe that she should be expected in any way to help with a baby, if one were to fall into my lap tomorrow. I write this because a the few people I have spoken with this about in real life have commented that I would have an automatic mothers' helper. Well, that makes me uncomfortable. She is not a mother, she is a little girl who has her own loves and joys and dreams. I want to continue on her own path, with the activities that she loves. I am really uncomfortable with theoretically laying an expectation on her as she gets older, like being a built-in baby-sitter when she's a teenager. That would be the road to resentment, wouldn't it?
But what would a home look like if we were no longer three? Is it even possible for me not to upend my daughter's life if my attention is divided? I am quite sure that other moms who work outside the home with more than one child would be laughing their asses at me right now, but REALLY, is it possible for me to parent the way I currently parent if I am parenting more than one? Of course it isn't. Is that a bad thing? I just don't know.
Sorry for my whining. It's just that this is just feeling so-goddamned unfair today. All of it. The pesky fear that I am on the wrong path, and potentially ruining the lives of my loved ones, most importantly my one living daughter. By not just leaving well enough alone and coming to terms with my infertility.
Jesus I'm sad. We started at this when she was ALMOST THREE years old. Five years later. A fucking eternity has passed. And I am still here. Stuck.
Kids are resiliant. I grew up with a sister i was very close to...she passed away at 14 years old. Yes, i was annoyed when i was expected o babysit but now in her absence i treasure those memories. I sign onto FB and see all these "share if you love your sister" posts and i just feel cheated. And now with aging parents issues, I'm on my own, painfully aware that when my parents go, i will have no family left. Just food for thought...im still struggling for just one so i see the advantages of being an only because if i do ever have a baby i am one and done
ReplyDeletethank you for writing. I am so sorry for your loss -you were cheated. I am offering all of the hope and positive energy that I have that you will have a baby.
DeleteThank you.
DeleteI'm the youngest with a brother who is 6 years older and a sister who is 8 years older (mom thought she didn't need birth control anymore after 35...) None of us have ever blinked an eye about it -- this is the only way we've known family. My sister and I ended up overlapping when she returned to college for her grad degree and we have pics of us in cap and gown together. We talk a couple of times a week, she swoons over my toddlers since her only kid (secondary infertility) is almost in college. We plan almost all our vacations together. (And I don't even think of us as exceptionally close, we're just sisters). I can't stress enough how our age gap isn't a factor except in a positive was (She was likely much more nurturing towards me than if the age difference was closer since she has a very different relationship to my brother.) My brother and sister still reminisce about how excited they were about my arrival and how they treated me like a "new puppy". There may be factors to weigh but the age gap is one you can cross off your list -- your kids will love each other and will raise families together. I think DE is such an awesome option and I'm excited to see you're considering it. I'll be following your journey! nuboarder
ReplyDeleteThanks nuboarder, it's nice to hear from you. I think I can say that I've moved a little past this particular panic attack and onto some others.... but it's good to read anecdotes like this. HUGS.
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