It seems that the struggles with hope.....how much is too much? is hope another word for delusion..... these struggles are never-ending. It's no wonder I pay my therapist so much money to sit and talk to me about hope and all of its dangers. Just when you think you've come to terms with a new chapter in your life, your seven year old pulls you back into the fray.
For Niblet has grasped onto hope. She now talks of miracles like a televangelist. (Mommy, we haven't had a miracle yet, maybe we're due one). She talks of her Dad and I "continuing to try." She's asked me to eat less sugar because maybe sugar will make it harder for a miracle to happen (side note: Has this kid been talking to my old RE behind my back?) She wants me to eat more salads. Now look, as a general rule, I SHOULD eat more salads, but the salad/miracle equation is missing some science (says the lady who downed tubs of wheatgreass juice once upon a cycle).
M: You do understand what the word miracle means, right Niblet? It means that you shouldn't expect your wishes to come true.
N: Of course I do Mom. But why can't I still wish? Besides, you need to eat healthier anyways.
Now, this is all very cute, and of course highly insightful on Niblet's part, but let's not kid ourselves, she's as fanciful a seven year old as you'll find.
N: Mommy, when will you and Daddy try?
M: Niblet, that's a really private question and not one you should ask anyone, ok?
N: Okay mommy. I understand. But I feel better when I am hoping.
This is going to take a while.